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| "Every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart" - Me (Ebenezer) "Is the stake of holly to prevent him rising from the dead as a festive Christmas vampire or something?" - Liz "Shut up." - Me |
Chapter 1
Welcome, outlandishly wealthy scrimpers, to the pages of this tome addressing the horror that is Christmas. We will start, as these sorts of books always do, by defining the all important term "bah humbug". Since I suggest that you use this phrase whenever the subject of Christmas rears it's nasty and garland bedecked head, it is quite important that you know what it means.*
Humbug: noun
1. Deceptive talk, fraud, or false behavior
2. a hard candy flavored with peppermint
Thus when we say, "Bah Humbug!" of Christmas related atrocities we are declaring Christmas to be a fraud- which it is. A fraud robbing people of their money and requiring me to give Bob Cratch-his-face an entire day off. We are not declaring Christmas to be a hard candy flavored with peppermint. The idea that anyone would be willing to eat candy named "humbug" is quite surprising to me. It is clear, however, that we should also hate candy, for it is something that people enjoy.
*Though some may complain that beginning even a short book with the definition of a word is a bad habit practiced mostly by freshman in college speech classes, it is rather important to know what we are saying . For example, when I am described as "scrimping" people seem to take this as: "one who gains and hoards finances in a miserly and cruel manner". However, I am sure it means: "one who earns money through judicious decisions and lawful means." Similarly when I am described as "cold" what is meant is that I am a man of rational thought and orderly habit.
Chapter 2: Christmas traditions re-appropriated for our purposes
1. Christmas is a time for giving... prison sentences, beating,s and trips to the pillory for vagrants and similarly unsavory characters.
2. Wrapping paper is good for ...attractively packaging nefarious documents such as: eviction notices, jury summons, and legal fees.
Chapter 3: Advice on ignoring your relatives
What to do if your recently married* good for nothing nephew shows up and invites you Christmas dinner.
1. Sneer (you should practice your sneer on a daily basis - indeed mine is so excellent that just last Tuesday I gave a particularly cold sneer to calico kitten. It perished on the spot. T'was a singular triumph of malfeasance.)
2. Glare
3. Say "Bah Humbug!" or "Bah! Humbug!" but not, "Humbug! Bah!" - doesn't have the same exasperated ring to it. It just sounds off somehow.
*fool!
Chapter 4: Christmas Carols
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| Mr. Scrooge is supposed to have a rocket launcher in this picture produced by our utterly useless illustrator. |
Also many Christmas carols promote giving things to the poor, to which we say, "Are there no prisons?"
Example:
Good King Wenceslas:
Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Steven
When the snow lay all about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel
Hm...poor man...gathering winter fuel...sounds an awful lot like...BOB! What! What on earth is Bob doing wandering about in the middle of the night gathering fuel? What an ungrateful slob I give him a whole piece of coal and if he doesn't want frostbite he should stop being poor! King Wenceslas, don't you dare give him a farthing.
PS - Random bits about A Christmas Carol
- I am not a huge Dickens fan, but A Christmas Carol is really short and fun. There is a Jim Dale version and it's fantastic.
- In the book the ghost of Christmas past is described as an old man who is the size and shape of a child with a flame on its head - terrifying.
- Also in the book, as a child Scrooge spends Christmas at his dilapidated school boarding house because his abusive father refuses to let him come home. So he sits, on Christmas, reading a book in an empty school classroom. I might have a problem with Christmas too after that.
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