Every morning at 6 AM making breakfast and doing fried eggs for three years.
I AM THE GOD OF FRIED EGGS.
In case you were sitting there thinking, who is the god of fried eggs again?
I am a reluctant god of fried eggs because I really hope that I will achieve something slightly more impressive with my life. I am a deity nonetheless.
A list of things supporting my claim to deity over the realm of all things fried egg:
1. I did the math- I have made:
That is an estimated thirty seven thousand four hundred and forty fried eggs.
I am at the end there seriously questioning the purpose of my continued existence.
2. At school someone once toasted me for making them eggs (when the seniors graduate they have a huge number of parties at which everyone gives toasts to each other and says stuff like: "Hear, hear, I would like to toast so-and-so person for being awesome and tell them that I once borrowed their toothbrush. Cheers!"). Some one who I didn't know super well was toasting and I was surprised to hear my name come up. All of a sudden I was being toasted for making fried eggs.
I was a little disheartened by this - and it seemed to me that the greatest thing that I would ever do was make eggs.
3. My friends claim that they will have a joint wedding accompanied by a brunch reception at which I will make made to order eggs.
4. The librarian at school who is a quirky elderly lady always told me that I should be a short order cook after college, she thought maybe someday if I worked hard enough I just might get to be an In-n-out manager.
Since I have worked in various cafeterias since the age of 12 it is my life goal NOT to work in a kitchen.
Every time she said that to me I thought the following:
I AM ATTENDING COLLEGE RIGHT NOW SO THAT I MIGHT AT SOME POINT NEVER HAVE TO WORK IN A KITCHEN AGAIN.
I AM IN FINANCIAL SLAVERY TO THE GOVERNMENT SO THAT I NEVER HAVE TO WORK IN A KITCHEN AGAIN.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SHORT ORDER COOK.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE AN IN-N-OUT MANAGER.
I WILL FIGHT AGAINST MY FOOD SERVICE ORIENTED FATE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.
all that caps lock yelling felt great. Therapy via internet.
Also somewhat false- I did not go to college to get a job...but I was still hoping for a better one.
5. I think that at school I was described more by the making of eggs than anything.
Person 1: "so I was talking to Liz"
Person 2: "which Liz?" (there were like a million )
Person 1: "egg making Liz."
If you passed a quiz on what I was like around the school it would go like this:
How would you describe liz?
__ smart __ funny X makes eggs __ honest __ dependable __ Satan __ waffle
Every one would check "makes eggs".
Oh well I am going to pretend that I was really awesome at it and threw plates of eggs Frisbee style while leaping ninja-ly in the air as depicted below.