Sunday, November 30, 2014

Jurassic World - It's gonna be fun.

I know this is so a week ago and everyone has moved on to the Star Wars trailer and the soccer ball droid now - but I am not done yet. I am still excited about Jurassic world.
Here's why:

People complaining about Jurassic World not being a realistic representation of dinosaurs will be given the silent treatment. If you want science - watch Cosmos.
The plot of every Jurassic Park movie is the same and that is okay with me.
I really like how they always bring in the scientists after they have a. cloned some dinosaurs b. made up new dinosaurs c. re-created a shitload of carnivorous dinosaurs and then they say "hey scientist of some sort- will you just confirm that we are super smart and tell us that we did a great job?" and the scientist is like: "NOPE. Ya'll cray cray. This was the worst plan that I ev...".CHSHSH (radio static) "10-4 We um seem to be missing an entire T-Rex"
Scientist: Not cool. But at least there are electric fences everywhere and - I mean they will totally withstand that oncoming tropical storm...right?
"10-4 We um didn't think we would engineer an automatic backup generator on this tropical island which is frequently hit by heavy storms."

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving Day Timeline

A timeline of Thanksgiving day for those of you who forgot what you are supposed to be doing.

Spiritual reflections:
Thanksgiving is like a precursor to advent. It prepares us to wait patiently for the coming of the lord ...dinner. Are we sure that thanksgiving is about thanks and not about patience?

I keep seeing facebook pictures of people who ran thanksgiving day races. Is nothing sacred? And the lord said, "thou shalt keep this day sacred"

Monday, November 24, 2014

Turkey Hands that I have Known

I am going to try an experiment. Something I have never done before. I am going to hold a competition. A hand turkey competition.
You have no excuse not to draw a hand turkey. Everyone can draw a hand turkey.

Step 1: Have a hand. Put your hand on a piece of paper. Trace it with a writing utensil of some sort (eating utensils will not do). If you do not have a hand for some reason (for example an alligator ate it) borrow someone else's hand and trace it while holding the marker in your hand. You may also decide to use this approach if you are someone who enjoys being awkward.

Step 2: Make it look like a turkey. This outline of your hand really looks nothing like a turkey. I don't know whose idea this was but it must have been for little kids or someone with a surprising lack of motor function and drawing skill.

Step 3: Add somethings that's cussing interesting. Plain old turkeys will not do. Additions of the following items are welcome: robots, bears, a space battle, Poe, a tank, some pilgrims etc.)

Step 4: Send it to me. Take a picture with your phone and post it somewhere here. Preferably by email Posting on the Facebook page is cool too. Sending it to me by carrier pigeon is okay, but only if the pigeon's name is Steve.
If no one sends me a hand turkey picture I will be sad.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sinon - Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I feel like writing a mythology parody.
Who remembers the Greek's main man Sinon? He was the one who hung out by the huge wooden horse (holding the most bad-ass of all the Greek soldiers) and eventually convinced the Trojans to bring it in the city. He was a lying ass. 
The pictures have almost nothing to do with Sinon - they just break up the wordyness of this story a little.
This shit is cray. (1)
The Trojans are walking around outside the city generally dumbfounded by the fact that:
a. after 10 years of sticking around and fighting the Greeks just all of a sudden decided to leave
b. they left a huge statue of a horse
while they are busy contemplating these absurdities this random dude shows up

Sinon: Hey guys- woe is me! But who am I kidding? You are just going to murder me before you hear my story anyway since I am soooo unfortunate to have been born a Greek.

Trojans:Uh well we actually weren't just going to straight up kill you and we are all about stories so go ahead and tell us what happened.

Sinon: So sad. Such woe. Ulysses is such a big jerk. I mean we were all just so tired of camping (a weekend is long enough- amirte? and ten years on these stupid beaches! I haven't had a meal without sand in it in a decade) and we wanted to get out of here. But Calchas said the gods wanted a human sacrifice before they left and you know like usual they prefer virgins. We were plumb out of chick virgins so Ulysses volunteered me - punk! Anyway I managed to run off before they sacrificed me but now I will never see my family (sob)

Trojans: Well Gez that's just crappy - you know what? you can be one of us. Forget the Greeks they are clearly shity anyway. But um there's this one thing - what - why is there a huge wooden horse? I know they are weird but - wow.

Sinon: Well see I am not supposed to tell you.

Trojans: Please?

Sinon: Oh fine if you insist.Wait actually could you insist a little more?

Trojans: we insist.
"But Bro! If we are not going to fight naked why would we even bother?" (2)
Sinon: Oh good. The Greeks made the gods upset and Calchas (our stupid ass prophet) said that if they left they would never make it home. He told them that if they left some sort of gift they would be fine.
Oh..wait there was something else about the prophecy.
Oh yeah it had to be really big because if you took it inside the city somehow the Greeks would have their asses kicked by you later. Also if you harm the horse in anyway then you will be cursed.

Trojans: So um -wait how did you hear all this stuff I thought you ran off?

Sinon: Well quite...I...hid in hid in a mud puddle. Yes a mud puddle.

Trojans: Sounds legit.

Laccoon (a Trojan): Bullshiticus. I didn't trust the Greeks before and I don't trust them now. This horse thing is fishy- not in a literal sense but rather in a figurative one meaning that I think this is exactly the sort of ruse that corn-chowder head Ulysses would think up.
(Lacoon chucks his spear at the horse and suddenly he and his two sons are horrifically devoured by gargantuan snakes that appear from nowhere)

Trojans: That wasn't weird at all. It was not at all strange that the only person to speak out about this horse statue suddenly died an awful death.

Sinon: Nope. Not weird. Snakes devouring people and their children - happens all the time. Hey and - yeah! It is probably because he threw his spear at the horse! He harmed it so he was cursed...scary amirite?

Trojans: Oh gods! You are right. Let's get this statue in here pronto.

Thusly were the Trojans unfortunately vanquished.

*PS and also:
This story is a slightly bowdlerized chunk from Virgil's Aeneid. If you haven't read the Aeneid you are missing out on all kinds of great stuff like a bleeding tree.
 In other news- my copy of the Aeneid is in shambles and drowning in post-its. I am pretty sure I got it from the up for grabs in the first place and it is in about three pieces.

(1) Photo Credit: Mary Harrsch  Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
(2) Photo Credit: Dan Diffendale Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Lazy Weekends

I am surely going to get caught up on all that: 
Mold and grime vanquishing
Blog posting 
Finance calculating

I have made a habit of deluding myself about weekends.
It began in college when I told myself things like:
I will  finish  start  write a topic sentence for*  think about this paper. 
I will read all of Emma for Thursday's seminar.
I will write an extra paper about The Waste Land for fun. 
It all ended with me taking homework to the beach and not doing any of it.
I have carried this habit with me into my ever-so-slightly-more-adult-years.

This circle though - wow it is lumpy

* Some great sentences (or titles or introductions) that I have just made up:
In the Prior Analytics, Aristotle introduces us to the harrowing boredom brought on by syllogistic logic.

The Iliad is a timeless book which bears a striking resemblance to Jersey Shore. These similarities, e.g., excessively tan and buff dudes, various petty brawls, and a view of women which involves possession or enslavement, seem to have gone unnoticed by a large majority of literary commentators.

Beatrice doesn't give a shit about you Dante. She is too busy being blindingly shiny. Also she is dead. It's time to get over it.