Saturday, August 15, 2015

Thanks for coming to this meeting

 Hey thanks for coming to this meeting Liz.

Yeah. (shifts hands nervously on the surface of the coffee table)

We just wanted to talk to you about some things that we think you could be doing a little better to help us reach our company goals.

Ok. (Damn it. Not okay. They are saying that you suck because you do suck. Try to listen to them just roll with it)

Right, well, this is really the most important one, we think that you could feign an interest in TV shows.


I mean, it is a problem that you've only seen one episode of Game of Thrones and you don't tweet about a single TV show. We have really gone to a lot of effort to make you blend in physically and I think that it's really important that you fit in emotionally as well. Humans would probably die for TV shows and if we could figure out a way to harness that power, I mean, our job here would really be done.

That makes sense, it does. Um is okay for me to like pretend to care or do you want me to try to really care?

See that's part of the problem, asking a question like that seems to indicate that you aren't fully committed to our mission.

No. No, I am certainly committed to our mission, the number of human beings who let subservient animal species defecate on my lawn! No, their race is just so ready to be obliterated. I'm committed. I just want to be convincing and I want to know if it's possible for human beings to not tweet about tv shows because if it is maybe I could be one of those people, and not have to fake it?

It's not possible. Sometimes, what is it? Oh yeah! They say, "fake it till you make it". Can you try that?


Saturday, August 8, 2015

A letter to Spiders

Please send this message to all of the spiders that you know and I am sure that this problem will be cleared up immediately!  I have added a chart just in case the spiders have some questions.

P.S. Letter also applies to cockroaches. Thanks.

This request is brought to you by teaching a class in an old church's reception hall.

A recipe for personal challenge and critter heebie jeebies:
If you think that you are a strong person who can deal with the challenges of life and maybe pick up heavy things then you will enjoy my favorite recipe for finding out that: 1. you are in fact a coward and  2. you would like other people to smush offending things for you 
Pairs well with a side of bug and arachnid related nightmares.


1 Large Black Widow
Killed by me without hesitation. Hey, I am a champ! I am up to any challenge.