Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Twelve Days of Christmas Absurd Edition

The twelve days of Christmas is one of my favorite songs, mostly because it is a list of bizarre presents that nobody would want.

On the FIRST day of Christmas my true love gave to me :

On the SECOND day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
and a partridge in a pear tree.
Yes. I know what turtle doves look like.
Yes. I know they are not turtles.
I got very bored of drawing birds.
There are too many birds in this cussing cuss song.

On the THIRD day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

3 french hens*
*see previous stuff -I am already too lazy to type it out

ON the FORTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

4 Calling Birds and three iphones.

On the FIFTH Day of Christmas my true love actually mixed it up a bit and got:
Daymn that is the BEST part. Really "5 golden rings" is the only reason to bother singing this song.
also: "oh um honey that bottom one there...I don't think we want that one."

On the SIXTH Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

6 Geese-a-laying (right back to giving birds again).
I feel like this song is accompanied by a medieval woman who gets steadily more and more frustrated as her house fills with different kinds of birds, trees and random people. Here she is surrounded by 6 geese a laying. As we all know from traumatizing experiences - geese are lethal and nigh unto evil. Indeed if Cerberus ever needs a break just replace that sucker with some geese from a park.

And you thought I wouldn't finish it.
Me too.
But here it is.

ON the SEVENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Seven Swans a Swimming in the bathtub.

ON the EIGHTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

8 Maids a Milking apparently inside the house which turned out to be unwise.

On the NINTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

9 ladies dancing and or kicking each other in the face.

On the TENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

10 Lords of Leaping which is what they are currently doing.
In other news I think that would be pretty cool at parties, "Oh what do you do Steven?"
"I am a Lord of Leaping."

MovingON the ELEVENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

11 Pipers Piping. No I don't know why they have strange hats. Yes that is an ocarina of time.

On the TWELFTH day of (omygod FINALLY!) Christmas my true love gave to me:

12 Drummers Drumming and a partridge in a pair tree.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas Lego edition

So all throughout the land people are posting Christmas cards. Nobody wants to see Christmas cards with my face on them so instead I made this Lego town Christmas card.

from on high

Lego streaker.

Random swordfish

The sith make awful Christmas guests

Voldemort hates Christmas.


Sunday, December 22, 2013

Torture Devices...Christmas Edition

No really. Chocolate advent calendars caused me a significant amount of distress.
In other post related news: I do not advise looking up torture on Google.
And for good measure here is a post on the twelve days of Christmas that I did last year.
 I am still proud of it even though it looks horrible: http://seizetheabsurd.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-twelve-days-of-cussmas.html

Monday, December 16, 2013

McDonald's: Adventures of a little Seize the Absurd

In which I tell a tale of my early childhood:

Poor little city-slicker that I was - I was elated to see a farm and devastated when we got there and there weren't pigs and goats everywhere.
Also I did have hair then I just am too lazy to try and make myself look like a little blonde kid. The teddy bear on the other hand is Winnie the Pooh and he really did attend all the shenanigans with me.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Doodlesday: Monday Crosswords

It is Tuesday so I am going to write a post about Monday because that makes a lot of sense.
I have random doodles that I think are funny for some reason.
So mayhaps I will share random ones on occasion.

This doodle was inspired by the fact that the only crossword I am willing to try is the Monday crossword. I really don't have the attention span for the crossword puzzle on any other day. I figure I have to get about one word every 30 seconds or I give up and start asking myself questions like, "Why am I doing this? Why is it so hard to understand existence? Why do I like garden gnomes so much?"
If I was to make a book of crossword puzzles it would look like this:

"Just when you thought you couldn't possibly fail..."
some days are lose-no-matter-what days

Monday, December 9, 2013

Defend Yourself this Holiday Season: Cereal Box Forts

Until they were banned from the table, Cereal Box Forts were the residences of the valiant. 

Note: Who remembers the Lamb Chop show? How is it not creepily morbid that that she is named "lamb chop"? Isn't that like having a pig sock puppet named "Bacon", a Cow named "Hamburger", and a Chicken named "Nuggets"? I think I just stumbled on the premise for some eerie children's television programming. Where did Hamburger go?

I came, I saw, I conquered - Teddy's cereal box fort by landing three cheerios that I licked in his cereal bowl.

Anyway - I was reminiscing about Cereal Box Forts. When I thought to myself, "Why aren't there Cereal Box Forts for Adults? They don't even have to be made of Cereal Boxes. They can be collapsible so that you can pull them out in any sort of awkward situation."
Since awkward situations seem to run rampant during the holidays the Cereal Box Fort would be especially useful in the Holiday Season.

In the non-Advent season this could also be useful for: Office meetings and or hiding from people that you used to know who show up in your local Starbucks.

Seize the Absurd will now demonstrate how to use the Cereal Box Fort effectively -
A. Some one asks you an odd question :

Starts talking about the adorableness of shoes: 
Or you are just in an uncomfortable situation in general and you don't want to tell anyone "what you do".

B. Your response - 

Whisk out the collapsible Cereal Box Fort-

Safely glare at people from behind it. Wonder if it is possible for you to become more like your hero the Grinch.