Wednesday, April 23, 2014

How I Feel About New Shoes

I recently got a new pair of running shoes and I decided to share with you how I feel about them. 

First of all I feel like I have gained athletic ability just because of how shiny they are.
But I have psychological drama about them getting dirty. 
My ODC self and my Sane self find this to be a trying time.
I end up making special efforts to avoid puddles and other junk and I constantly hear a tiny nagging voice telling me not to get anything on my shoes.

 Then when I finally scuff them up.
I feel tortured and relieved at the same time. 

Friday, April 4, 2014

Wake Up Little Buddy.

  The Death of Ivan Ipodovitch.
  A sad tale.


Nano Cornelius Ipodovitch accompanied Liz throughout her adventures for the past 6 years. Nano was an R2-D2 of electronic devices - faithful and snarky to the end. 
When Liz first received Nano as a birthday present from her brother, she wasn't sure that she needed an ipod. But soon, Nano had won its way into Liz's heart and they were inseparable for the next 6 years.
Nano accompanied Liz throughout approximately 2,400 miles of running since sophomore year of college. During this prolonged period of running, Nano patiently bore with Liz's selection of trashy pop -enduring untold amounts of Katy Perry. 
       Nano is survived by Liz and her laptop Alexander. Both will miss him dearly. They held a small memorial service for Nano complete with a funereal wreath made of the many ear-buds that Nano destroyed (about every 6 months- Ipod ages should be counted in dead ear-buds - Liz learned this from the book Cultural Customs of Small Electronic Devices" which has been very helpful in this trying time. )

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fools

On the eve of this fool's day I began to wonder why it is that we spend time, money and effort to create elaborate hoaxes that our loved ones will undoubtedly hate. 
Why is it that victims of pranks never stop and say, "Listen, couldn't you have spent your energies on baking me a cake instead lighting my hair on fire? But no." 
So I did extensive and rigorous historical research on Wikipedia to trace the origin of this ludicrous holiday and found the following interesting facts.

 April Fools and similar prank playing holidays are celebrated internationally. 
1. In Scotland it was called "Hunt-The-Gowk-Day" (Gowk - definition an idiot or a cuckoo). On this day you send someone a message which says for example, "Go find Sam and he will tell you where I hid your favorite chicken." They then go to find Sam and receive a message which says, "Go find Artis, he is the next step on the journey to find your chicken." This treasure hunt game is intended to never end sending the poor chicken deprived individual on a looping set of errands. 
In other news "gowk" is indubitably a good word for stupid and should be reintroduced to common usage. 
For example, 
Person one: "Hey everyone let me post this thing that I read from the mattwalshblog."
Person two: "Lord no. Gowk."

 2. April Fish. 
 In some French speaking countries it is called "April Fish" the goal of this day is to tape paper fish to your friend's backs. 
Why are fish funny? I don't know - but it is.
In past times they made April fish postcards and sent them out to their friends -
These postcards are so old that they are in the public domain - yay! And we thought old timey people never had any fun. But they made these postcards so they clearly enjoyed the ridiculous.

See you could spell out the word April using fish on your postcard. 
You could also take a picture of a couple awkwardly holding a fish between them whilst staring into each others eyes with doting expressions. 
You could then add additional questions such as - The fish they are holding doesn't seem to be real, since this is old school Photoshop- what are they actually holding? Are they holding anything at all? Is that what makes their hands so limp and awkward? What does it say at the bottom- I think it says something about "lovers" and "fish"...I changed my mind I do not want to know.
Why does the fish in the top-most-left corner have a huge bow around it? Is it exhaling in it's fishy stink breath the word "avril"?
Last but not least from a business perspective this "Awkward Couple Holding Fish" postcard should be re-printed I would buy that and send it to people for sure - not during April Fools though - just randomly. And I would write, "thinking of you" on the back.

3. Having holidays with the express goal of being ridiculous is not new. Ancient peoples held festivals where everyone was ridiculous- some of them were the famous, "Feast of Fools" (Spain) and "Saturnalia" (Rome). In all of these superiors and inferiors traded roles and people disguised themselves. Often a Lord of Misrule was established along with a supporting ecclesiastical set of "Bishops of Nonsense" or whatever. 

Here have an April fools wish:
"May the true Lord of Misrule, Puck* (duh kids, duh),
 bestow upon you this April day
 his square crown - each side of which depicts a leering face its tongue out.
 May all your tricks hit true 
but end up for the best as in the comedy of Fairies.
May Puck not choose you as his own and bestow upon you devious little horns."

 *From A Midsommers Night's Dream - today is his day and you should watch out 
because he is the king of tricksters: 

"Thou speak'st aright;
I am that merry wanderer of the night.
I jest to Oberon and make him smile
When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile,
Neighing in likeness of a filly foal:
And sometime lurk I in a gossip's bowl,
In very likeness of a roasted crab,
And when she drinks, against her lips I bob
And on her wither'd dewlap pour the ale.
The wisest aunt, telling the saddest tale,
Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me;
Then slip I from her bum, down topples she,
And 'tailor' cries, and falls into a cough;
And then the whole quire hold their hips and laugh,
And waxen in their mirth and neeze and swear
A merrier hour was never wasted there."