Thursday, October 30, 2014

Halloween - The Witches Stew

Guys - Guys guess what?! 
It's almost Halloween! 

 I am so happy about it that I couldn't help but write a silly poem. 





Halloween is my most favorite holiday.
Yes. Yes it is. Yes I like it better than my Birthday and Christmas. 
Here I shall prevent  arguments concerning the excellence of Halloween.

a. Birthdays are too stressful.
 Its about you but also it isn't. Your mom has been drilling that into you ever since your first birthday party when she reminded you that "you needed to pay attention to your guests" even though you invited most of the guests to increase the number of presents you would acquire. It's not supposed to be so about you that you get upset when nobody can do something. And yet everyone feels kind of bad and keeps apologizing for not being able to do anything. You feel pressure to throw some sort of party that you will probably not enjoy.
Halloween is about creepy things. And magic colors - like green, purple orange and black. Furthermore* it is the only time of the year that spiders are not so horrible.   

*It is a serious argument (or hastily written college paper) when one uses the word "furthermore".

b. Christmas decorations. 
Yes Christmas lights are nice. No those stupid cheery blow up Santas are not. There are too many placid faced darling little elf decorations everywhere. It makes one feel like they might barf up a glitter rainbow. Presents aren't as exciting when what you really want is for a fairy to appear and offer you dental insurance. Holiday spirit. I just don't really have it - I sometimes try to convince my family not to put up a Christmas tree (Me: "It will be at least February before we put that thing away!"
Tinsel. NO
Popcorn strings. MOLD
Mistletoe. PET POISON.
Halloween on the other hand I am all about decorating for. I have finally scored some black lights that work and I have the day off tomorrow to Halloween-ify my house. It's all I've ever wanted (Prince of Egypt).

c. No but I don't like scary things. 
Me neither. I can't watch commercials for horror movies. But I am strangely unaffected by mazes and Knot's Scary Farm type stuff. In fact I like it and I would at give a pinky finger to be a haunter. 
Halloween has a cool thing to it a "guess what? we are the things to be feared" sort of thing. It's just a house. Just a fake skeleton. Fear is what we make it.

d. Dress up is something I am still not done with. 
Who doesn't want to be a superhero? Or Harry Potter? Or a streetlight? (some people are different.)
To be something or someone else for a moment is great.

that's it.
* That's not quite it.I am proud of that venomous tentacula. I think it is adorable.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ebolaween

People freaking out about Ebola makes me think of this: 



It's a nerdy board game joke - if you are normal proceed to feel sorry for me and then move on.
PS and also: If you haven't played Pandemic you should cause it is fun.
Now you don't even have to pay to go to fright fest.
Some random things concerning Ebola.

1. No listen we don't want to be reasonable and not be freaked out. Come on where is your holiday spirit? Terror and rumor are brothers they are swift and contagious.

2. See here it is way more pleasant to be afraid of things that we do not think we could be responsible for. Fearing obesity or economic failure is not as fun.

3. Have you seen that one cartoon of a fat-cheeseburger-eating-cigarette-smoking dude freaking out about Ebola - and next to him there is a list of how many Americans die from obesity or whatever?
It's a good point except...
Here in America want we to die slowly from the vice of our choice. We want to have the freedom to perish of a heart attack from only consuming milkshakes mixed with monster. It's hard to fear small bad decisions that you make everyday.

4. To those who say, "listen you can't get Ebola because it isn't even airborne. When do you come into contact with other peoples bodily fluids?"
I say: "You must not teach or have kids."
If a bunch of kids get this- we are done.
Kids be like :





-Sorry my nose is running and there is a tissue box over right next to me but your pants look better.
-If I covered my nose when I sneezed how would you know that you need to take care of me because I have a cold?
-This booger spray is a sign of affection.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Pottermania - owls

Many people have a fantasy universe - Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, - a universe they would give a little toe to know all the factoids about.
Mine is Harry Potter.
        I remember standing in a Borders packed elbow to elbow with people waiting for the seventh Harry Potter book - passing the time by leering at Slytherins and raucously singing competing/duet versions of "Weasly is Our King".
* Slytherins: "Weasly was born in a bin"  Gryffindors: "He NEVER lets the Quaffle in." BOTH: WEASLY IS OUR KING!

Pottermania has recently reappeared vehemently in my life.
Here are some clear examples of Pottermania issues:

a) me being at the library and picking up a book called "Mapping the World of Harry Potter" which is a book of essays about Harry Potter written by authors of various fiction genres and people with a PHD in philosophy.
Take away: I am reading a commentary on Harry Potter. Which I enjoy. I do not regret it.

b) I drew this picture of some owls from Harry Potter.


c)  Reading the Philosopher's stone and realizing that Snape's potion puzzle is LSAT puzzle diagram-able. Yay logic games. The one in the book is more open because because you cannot see the potion bottles - making the 3rd clue unfortunately useless.
I made it easy for you though.

Harry needs to go forward - which potion will take him through?


Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind,
Two of us will help you, whichever you would find,
One among us seven will let you move ahead,
Another will transport the drinker back instead,
Two among our number hold only nettle wine,
Three of us are killers, waiting hidden in line.
Choose, unless you wish to stay here forevermore,
To help you in your choice, we give you these clues four:
First, however slyly the poison tries to hide
You will always find some on nettle wine’s left side;
Second, different are those who stand at either end,
But if you would move onward, neither is your friend;
Third, as you see clearly, all are different size,
Neither dwarf nor giant holds death in their insides;
Fourth, the second left and the second on the right
Are twins once you taste them, though different at first sight.


You tell me- which one is it?


d) This rant I made on facebook about a buzzfeed article.
I left it in small print just in case you didn't feel like reading it - but it is a worthwhile rant.
This is the offending article http://www.buzzfeed.com/ianxcarlos/welcome-to-hogwarts-try-not-to-die#3mpnnbh. It appears to me that they may have (GASP) just watched the movies without reading the books. Poor muggles. Bless them.



Thursday, September 25, 2014

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Just Job Things

Resumes, unctuous cover letters, and mundane questions are huge challenges for me.
Corporate speak galvanizes a small demon in me - I am immediately tempted to give silly answers.

Recently I was asked to respond to questions about my short and long term professional goals - these were my first three thoughts about how to respond. I thought they were funny so I wrote them out for you.

Filch is a grumpy-grumplestiltskins. I just made that up and I am proud of it. I have been reading a lot of Harry Potter - can you tell?



Why do people pay so much for sunglasses?


What am I doing with my life? 
No I did not actually turn any of them in. If I had that much courage I would probably be in a more interesting place right now - like prison or perchance the Weasley's joke shop.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Great Books Some Crooks


That is supposed to be a high five...but it looks awkward. It says lorenzbro on purpose.

Machiavelli wrote fiction and comedy too - isn't that weird?
Machiavelli: "and then at the end - all the losers trip into a tiger pit and die! HAHA"
Everyone else: "ummm...right. Dark sense of humor there."

Friday, September 12, 2014