Sunday, September 14, 2014

Great Books Some Crooks


That is supposed to be a high five...but it looks awkward. It says lorenzbro on purpose.

Machiavelli wrote fiction and comedy too - isn't that weird?
Machiavelli: "and then at the end - all the losers trip into a tiger pit and die! HAHA"
Everyone else: "ummm...right. Dark sense of humor there."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

Video Game and Pixel Art Attempts


I enjoy some retro-video games and newer games that look like retro games (VVVVV - google it fools. It brings great joy to all the peoples.) 
So I decided to try my hand at some pixel art just for you. 

Attempt 1: Bobble head Hellboy. 


1 Part effort drawing Hellboy - Equal Parts effort figuring out how to re-size the image. Google you Sphinx you!

I drew a birthday cupcake for myself. 

All this Pixel art made me think of old video games - and suddenly I had an idea for one so I wrote about it some.




The main character of the story is you as the boring Nobody No-onecareserson. This is your first year at Mundane University. Every professor has grey hair and wears a sweater vest. Absolutely every student is invested mentally and emotionally in the success of the school football team. Beer-Pong is the reason that the student body gets up in the morning.

You find the peach-pit of destiny under a loose floorboard in your dorm room and a narration voice tells you the story of Mundane University. Not so long ago the school was placed under a boring curse by a fugly godmother. You - the most typical of the normal people at mundane university - have been chosen to return mundane university to its former glory by expelling the evils of basic-bitchyness.

The game makes fun of you on many occasions.







And a proclivity towards normal objects which make unexpected things happen.



(* example: If you find whey powder and workout at the school gym while you are a princess you can go on a PRINCESS RAMPAGE to conquer Derek the Curmudgeonly Dragon.


Yes I know that the G in RAMPAGE looks like a C but I am too lazy to change it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Kid Archetypes: 3 Touchy Feely Kid

I keep thinking I am done with these and then viola!
More of them crop up and remind me of the often present...

Touchy Feely Kid
That one kid that has no concept of space bubble whatsoever.


I literally had a kid stand there and purposefully breathe on me.
Hot breath on my hand.
My soul was in a kind of inner anguish I am unable to express with words.

There are two kinds of touchy feely kid:

This kid loves loves LOVES you and expresses this by attempting to treat you like a conscious jungle gym. To this kid you find yourself saying, "Hands to yourself so-and-so. Yes. Hands to yourself includes holding my foot. Put it down."

This is the kid that grabs your arm every time they have a question. At first I was a little puzzled by this - and I was like "Why does this kid keep grabbing my arm? Why don't they just ask for help?" and then it came to me. Some when in this youngsters few years upon the planet they realized an important truth - it is is pretty much impossible to ignore someone who is touching you.  They subsequently learned to use this truth to have power over your attention. If I am talking to almost five other kids at the same time they can demand (and acquire) my immediate attention by grabbing my arm.
I am not a fan of this.

Some slightly related not so deep introspection
The root of my issue with touchy feely kid lies in a slight on going psychiatric problem. I don't like being touched by people for the most part.
It boils down to this. It weirds me out that other people are conscious beings. Does this turkey sandwich  care that I picked it up and chucked at an unsuspecting frenemy? No. No it doesn't. But then if you try to hold hands with someone you are plagued with instant doubts. Do they hate this? I usually hate this so I bet they hate this. They hate this. I am sure they also care about being chucked at unsuspecting frenemies. 
Too complicated. Too much guess work. I don't like it.
I certainly don't like being touched by people I don't know.
and I especially really really do not like being touched by people I don't like.

This person is not intended to represent anyone that I actually know. We will just say that I dislike her - probably because she has a bow in her hair - and she decided to put her hand on my shoulder. In response I  feel angry and hissy like an assortment of threatened animals.





Here is a simple chart. Notice the scarcity of the green area.


You know it is serious when Hogwarts gets involved.

Monday, August 4, 2014

ADDinosaur

Because...
I don't know why.

Yesterday I flagrantly disregarded the long list of grown-up people things I had to do and wrote this dinosaur comic instead.
Here it is.




and the moral of the story is- you need to pay attention in the mesowhateverific era (I may or may not have done exactly no research and I have no idea whether or not parasurolophus and T rex were even around at same time but I felt like drawing them so whatever).

Sunday, July 20, 2014

LEGO Space Pirate Ship - because DUH.

Did you think I was lying?
I am not.
Be Jealous.

Space. Pirates. Space-pirates.
It is yes.



Because a pirate ship without wings is just a normal cuss pirate ship.

 It opens up - yay! Inside the cabin control station. No there are not enough flames everywhere.
Some people do adult things like go to the bank and change the toilet paper roll...I did this.
I have had pieces for the Black Seas Barracuda Lego ship for as long as I can remember - but we got them from a garage sale so a bunch of stuff was missing. I used some of the instructions for that and made up other stuff as I went along.
I didn't want to just build the same one as in the instructions so it became a space ship.


Space repair and little boat space ship.
Captain bad-assery-blue-cyborg-chick 
                         Look at that super cool see through and highlighter yellow pirate hook.
  Plus a cape

a rocket launcher and other heavy artillery are a must needs for space crime organizations 

This space monkey has commandeered  a blaster. 

You monkey you! You give my back my handgun.

The traditional skeleton on the front - but with a space helmet. 
I may or may not also work on a space police boat so that I can create a space pirate battle...

The other Christmas Lego thing:Christmas Lego Town

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Kid Archetypes 2: Wait there are more.

Kids are way fun. I have a fantastic time teaching them.
 I also have strange experiences where it seems like I meet the same kid over and over again in one form or another. Here are some more types that show up routinely.

1. The Survivalist
 Somehow kids have this eerie way of doing things that make you feel like you are catching flashbacks to humanity at the dawn of evolution.
Occasionally they bust out this primal and terrifying inclination towards violence.
It's in what they do. Whenever two kids play any type of imaginary game there is a quasi Hegelian master slave struggle. The dominant kid determines the make-believe reality. You can hear it if you listen - it sounds like this:
Kid 1: "I am a princess."
Kid 2: "No. You are an ugly stepsister. I am the only princess."
A primal struggle. A ruthless tribal community.

2. The Followers
 Have pledged their undying allegiance to some stronger and more obnoxious kid. I no kidding had this happen with one of my followers:
Me: Hey Matt that looks really cool.
Matt's overlord kid: "um...not really...actually Matt that doesn't look cool at all."
Me: * stunned silence

3. The "Awesome" Kid
Tag Line: Those who are great in their own eyes....are really annoying in every way.
 Awesome kid is the end all be all of human life as we know it. Awesome kid reads faster than everyone else, has built more Lego sets than are currently in existence, and has ridden every roller-coaster (despite being under the height limit for them - apparently Disneyland just looks at them and says, "screw those potential million dollar injury lawsuits, this kid is so cool we just have to let him ride Indiana Jones." ).
No one does anything better than awesome kid.
If Mark saw a movie yesterday then Awesome kid saw it twice.
I have noticed something fascinating about these kids- they don't see their absurdly fanciful claims as lying. On occasion I have ended up in a conversation like this:
Me: "hmm are you sure it's true that a narwhal-shark jumped through a rainbow at your pool party?
Them: "Yes."
Me: "You aren't making any of that up?"
Them: "I'm not making it up."
They are dedicated to their story.
I believe that this is because they think they are telling the truth.
 Their little thought process goes like this:
            I am better than everyone else.
            Being better than others means doing cooler things than them.
            Sooo If anyone did something cool I must have done more of it (and or done it better)
     Applied:
            Mary went snorkeling on Catalina Island this weekend.
            Clearly I must have done something cooler - since I am cooler than Mary.
            Thusly : I went scuba diving in the middle of shark frenzy.
Awesome kid proceeds to believe wholeheartedly that they have in fact gone scuba diving amidst a shark frenzy. Other kids give Awesome kid a look that says, "um- yeah. right."

4. The Actual Awesome Kid
Is awesome. Doesn't stick it in your face. 
See How Carter finished the assignment and then went on to answer the questions about it without loudly announcing to the class that he was the first one finished? He rocks. He finished this section five minutes ago and went on to the next thing without reminding the whole class that he is wonderful.
You know what to do after you are done "awesome" kid - we have been doing the same thing for weeks now. I see your game. 

Actual awesome kid facts:
Context: kid building a rainbow house, I notice it is in Roy G. Biv order.
Me: "I appreciate your attention to the differences in wavelength which we refer to as the color spectrum."
Kid: "Thanks."