Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Jealous


A green or slightly off yellow monster.
I don't know your life but I think I want it for some reason.
The you that I made up is perfect.
I am so jealous of that you.
You are probably nothing like you in real life. You probably do things that you don't want to like  make dentist appointments, eat kale, and floss. You probably read half way through books that you really should have read forever ago and then quit (Cough* Anna Karenina).
Who knows? Maybe you are perfect and your life is a never ending serenade sung by dolphins but I doubt it.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Fave Friday: Weightlifting

Things I am tired of hearing:

I thought that this opinion was a mythical internet beast like a cyber cubaccabra or something. I thought that this was something that only appeared in comments on you-tube videos, but NO I witnessed it in the flesh. Let's all get some things straight: 

Ladies here are some reasons you should lift: 


  1.  I am stronger now than I ever was in high school. All of this despite being old and feeling like eating a single chocolate chip might make me feel like a lard bucked for several days.
  2. Lifting heavy things feels awesome. Really though. Lift a heavy thing. Pick it up. Put it down. You will now be lifting heavy things forever. Welcome to the society of those who post PRs on facebook. 
    Workouts feel great. Dead but great.
  3. Challenge is awesome- was your only achievement this week watching American Ninja Warrior? Do something.
  4. Bone strength
  5.  Posture - I spent all of high school slouched down in our right handed desk seats so that my eyebrow was level with the desk. You cant have shitty posture in weighted squats. My personal bearing has improved so I now look more like the highlander warrior I have always wanted. 
  6. You can make jokes about gainz
Lats are a thing that I have now guys.


What will not happen:

  1.  You will not look like a female bodybuilder. You will not get "huge" or look like Arnold's twin sister. Saying, "Won't you get too big?" to chicks who are doing their utmost to gain half a bicep inch is ridiculous. If I could look like the Willams sisters tomorrow I would do it in a heart beat but all my hard work gets me is an addiction to reading fitness articles ( A note on the Williams sisters: God they look wonderful - how do they do it!? What? Did you say "be amazing at tennis"? I have no shot at that I think I'll have to pick a different strategy maybe curls-all-day-everyday.) 
  2.  You will not wake up tomorrow and look like you are on the heavyweight side of a power-lifting competition. (PS: We respect these women - they work HARD and lift hard and Nike doesn't sign contracts with them because they don't have oiled abs so they have to go it on their own but they lift more than you do and they want to be healthy and they are working towards it)
  3. What if I'm one of the super rare and incredible women who gain muscle mass with surprising ease? Were you born with a six pack? Do you already look like you could easily lift other people over head and throw them? If you don't you're probably not one of these people. If you are one of these people you probably already lift and are an Olympic Shot-putter or something and you don't need my advice. 

Monday, June 8, 2015

FEARS

Fears:

You will never be anyone. 

You will never be anything. 

You will be who you are right now and never get better.

Someone else has done everything that you were fated for. 

What you were made to do has already been done by Tim. Yesterday. You just missed it sorry.

All the good art that there is to be made has been made and you have not made it. Art will continue, but emptily, like an explanation of a joke

You will be someone you do not like.

You will never have enough.

You will never have health insurance. 

You will have health insurance because you have given up on what you wanted. You will also have dental and a heart full of regrets. You will pour yourself a glass of whiskey in the middle class home you are paying off, it will taste like lost opportunity. 

Other people are better.

Somehow other people will have careers in things. You will not have careers in things. "Career" is a word that will slide off you and onto the ground, it will lie there limpid. 

You are not good at the thing.

You will stop loving people. It is easier not to. 

You will give up.

You will give up and start calling yourself a millennial. Once you do this, you will realize that it is true. That you somehow magically have a degree from a Liberal Arts College (which you do not regret) and your personality is not detail oriented. 

You will not write a book. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Sketchbooks and You!

Dear people of the universe,
I would like to bring to your attention an arts farts etiquette issue. 
When someone grabs your sketchbook and starts looking through it =  >:( 

Now you know and you have no excuse. 
Why Liz? Why does it bother you when I riffle through your mind on paper as if it was my very own? 
You are probably going to find: 
  •  my mind on paper which I would like to keep to myself sometimes ok?
  • figure drawings of some nekked people 
  • random snippet notes on East of Eden or something that are like: "Timshel is the whole book    anyway. Soulless? non-humanness incarnate, incarnation of evil opposite of incarnation of Christ.  Never ending genesis. Cain and Abel, not Cain and Abel, forever Cain and Abel." Your reaction:????
  •  a story I wrote about that one time you did something annoying
  • more swears than you thought possible
  • a cartoon in which the main character is a beheaded chicken



Thursday, May 28, 2015

My Life be like:

My life be like:

What even are those things on the table? 
"What even are"?
Liz it is impossible for me to conceive of a grammar in which that would be acceptable. 
I DO WHAT I WANT. 
THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS. 
Why do you think Candide is the funniest thing ever what is your problem.Voltaire was a big ass. 
A FUNNY BIG ASS.
Why are you shouting?
IT'S FUNNY ALSO TOO MUCH COFFEE RUN ON

Hello gentleman and toadstools that compose my readership I am having a day. The sort of day in which one arises and says to themselves, "let's get things done!" then they proceed not to get things done which drives them further and further into a land of panic and maybe also of tears but just maybe we will see. Sorry I have not been posting cartoons recently I have been submitting them various other places and practicing rejection. Character. Hooray.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Tombstone


I've been rethinking my tombstone game lately. Attempting to really capture your life on a piece of stone is a difficulty. Mostly it's factory molded angles cradling heart shaped placards on which your existence is whittled down to a name and dates. 
What happened to complex interlocking poems like in the Spoon River anthology? Now that is a graveyard I could be a part of.