Saturday, September 19, 2015

Scratches the Cat

More diary comics, this one is about a semi feral cat that would come in the house and hang out. He liked me except for when he didn't.

I have since met a cat (named Pickles) who is desperately affectionate and I vastly prefer Scratches' loving indifference.

Monday, September 14, 2015


This is a quick comic about my first couple days in Florida which involved:

  • sweating
  • roaches 
  • more sweating
  • larger roaches 
  • sweat stain possibilities that were hitherto unknown to me
  • humidity nausea 
  • and sleeping in the back of a car to avoid roaches

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Thanks for coming to this meeting

 Hey thanks for coming to this meeting Liz.

Yeah. (shifts hands nervously on the surface of the coffee table)

We just wanted to talk to you about some things that we think you could be doing a little better to help us reach our company goals.

Ok. (Damn it. Not okay. They are saying that you suck because you do suck. Try to listen to them just roll with it)

Right, well, this is really the most important one, we think that you could feign an interest in TV shows.


I mean, it is a problem that you've only seen one episode of Game of Thrones and you don't tweet about a single TV show. We have really gone to a lot of effort to make you blend in physically and I think that it's really important that you fit in emotionally as well. Humans would probably die for TV shows and if we could figure out a way to harness that power, I mean, our job here would really be done.

That makes sense, it does. Um is okay for me to like pretend to care or do you want me to try to really care?

See that's part of the problem, asking a question like that seems to indicate that you aren't fully committed to our mission.

No. No, I am certainly committed to our mission, the number of human beings who let subservient animal species defecate on my lawn! No, their race is just so ready to be obliterated. I'm committed. I just want to be convincing and I want to know if it's possible for human beings to not tweet about tv shows because if it is maybe I could be one of those people, and not have to fake it?

It's not possible. Sometimes, what is it? Oh yeah! They say, "fake it till you make it". Can you try that?


Saturday, August 8, 2015

A letter to Spiders

Please send this message to all of the spiders that you know and I am sure that this problem will be cleared up immediately!  I have added a chart just in case the spiders have some questions.

P.S. Letter also applies to cockroaches. Thanks.

This request is brought to you by teaching a class in an old church's reception hall.

A recipe for personal challenge and critter heebie jeebies:
If you think that you are a strong person who can deal with the challenges of life and maybe pick up heavy things then you will enjoy my favorite recipe for finding out that: 1. you are in fact a coward and  2. you would like other people to smush offending things for you 
Pairs well with a side of bug and arachnid related nightmares.


1 Large Black Widow
Killed by me without hesitation. Hey, I am a champ! I am up to any challenge.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015


A green or slightly off yellow monster.
I don't know your life but I think I want it for some reason.
The you that I made up is perfect.
I am so jealous of that you.
You are probably nothing like you in real life. You probably do things that you don't want to like  make dentist appointments, eat kale, and floss. You probably read half way through books that you really should have read forever ago and then quit (Cough* Anna Karenina).
Who knows? Maybe you are perfect and your life is a never ending serenade sung by dolphins but I doubt it.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Fave Friday: Weightlifting

Things I am tired of hearing:

I thought that this opinion was a mythical internet beast like a cyber cubaccabra or something.
I thought that this was something that only appeared in comments on you-tube videos, but NO I have personally witnessed people opining silly things about lifting. Let's all get some things straight: 

Here are some reasons you should lift: (Ladies especially!) 
  1.  I am stronger now than I ever was in high school (I played a non-stop parade of sports in high school averaging probably to about two hours of exercise everyday for three years). Even though I'm old and eating a single chocolate chip makes me feel like trash, I've never been this strong.
  2. Lifting heavy things feels awesome. Really though. Lift a heavy thing. Pick it up. Put it down. You will now be lifting heavy things forever. Welcome to the society of those who post PRs on Facebook. 
    Workouts feel great. Dead but great.
  3. Challenge is awesome- was your only achievement this week watching American Ninja Warrior? Do something.

Monday, June 8, 2015



You will never be anyone. 

You will never be anything. 

You will be who you are right now and never get better.

Someone else has done everything that you were fated for. 

What you were made to do has already been done by Tim. Yesterday. You just missed it sorry.

All the good art that there is to be made has been made and you have not made it. Art will continue, but emptily, like an explanation of a joke

You will be someone you do not like.

You will never have enough.

You will never have health insurance. 

You will have health insurance because you have given up on what you wanted. You will also have dental and a heart full of regrets. You will pour yourself a glass of whiskey in the middle class home you are paying off, it will taste like lost opportunity. 

Other people are better.

Somehow other people will have careers in things. You will not have careers in things. "Career" is a word that will slide off you and onto the ground, it will lie there limpid. 

You are not good at the thing.

You will stop loving people. It is easier not to. 

You will give up.

You will give up and start calling yourself a millennial. Once you do this, you will realize that it is true. That you somehow magically have a degree from a Liberal Arts College (which you do not regret) and your personality is not detail oriented. 

You will not write a book.