Sunday, February 24, 2013


Hell's Library

Hell's Library: Twilight 

Hell's Library: James Joyce

This image is not cooperating... if you click on it, maybe it will get bigger. But probably not, it seems very determined to keep me from working on my thesis.

Hell’s Library: The books come to life.
No Liz! What are you talking about? That would be great.
No it wouldn't.

PS: All Aboard my Train of Thought!
On a vaguely related note this makes me think of Hell’s Kitchen.
In which that chef tells everyone that they suck, in the following fashion:
“You call that cutting up carrots?
My mother could cut up carrots better than you, with no arms, by telepathy, with a sacrificial knife.”

On a completely unrelated note: ancient sacrificial knives look really dull, which would be unfortunate if someone was attempting to take your heart out.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Tank You Very Much.

Sometimes people are cusses.

Tank you very much...for your crap, we have a tank in response to which you can: a) start being a decent human being, b) be blown to smithereens. 

Advice: be nice to people that have sucky jobs, from personal experience we are already sad that we spend our lives doing lame stuff . I once looked at an application for Vons (grocery store) and it said, "why do you want to work at Vons?". For the money. Duh. No, actually it has been my life's ambition to collect shopping carts from a parking lot. What kind of dumb question is that? I am a good worker, but you best believe its for the money.
Also, be nice because people really will do stuff to your food. 
I have heard too many stories, it is very unlikely that they are all false. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

More Spiteful Valentines

Because I couldn't resist.

A Dr. Who Valentine

Stupid Cupids, cut out that shooting heart arrows and crap.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Insulting Valentine's Day Cards

Sure there are people that I love, but there are also people that I love to hate.
You know... Nicki Minaj, Donald Trump, Nickolas Cage, those kids that took an illegal amount of crocodiles at the water fountain every single time, the couples who make-out in lines for theme park rides, the list goes on and on.
Here are some Valentines one could send to them.
Or to your significant other if
         a) they have a good sense of humor
         b) you want to break up with them anyway

If you needed something that reflects badly on you both.

That is why we are going out. I have no discretion  I once asked a very attractive baboon on a date, it took me awhile to realize that I was off by a species.

Harry Potter.

I cant spell Valentine for my life. Think "Valent...Valence electrons..." I tell myself every time but I never remember. Elementary school was a hard time for me.
Who ever wanted to give everyone valentines? Nobody. Ever, because last week Ernie blew his nose on you and he shouldn't get candy for it.
And we all knew that no one wanted to give everybody a Valentine. So the teachers rules sort of  ended up telling this life lesson: "people out there really hate you but they won't tell you because it's not polite, so you can't really believe them. Compliments are never what they seem."
I doubt Mrs. Myers was actually trying to tell us that.

Make insulting cards for Valentine's day.
If you are alone and bitter,
Or you don’t even mind being alone but you are just bitter
(my category- no really I don’t mind being alone. I spent close to all three weeks of Christmas vacation alone in my room. I was perfectly happy. Other people began to scare the crap out of me.)

I will hopefully make some more of these.
And maybe tell you about my feelings, stay is gonna be terrible.

No I don't. But this is my favorite one.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Complaints About College Libraries

Someone recently reminded me about all of the annoying things about libraries and thus I have written this list of complaints:

  1. Our college library suffers from a lack of comfortable chairs, nooks, and crannies.
Libraries should have comfortable chairs in which one should be able to sit for at least 4 hours without their butt going numb. Occasionally one needs to bust out a paper in one day and they don’t have time to stand up, or attempt to wake up their butt after it has fallen asleep. My college did not attend to this principle and bought a ton of wooden chairs…
Also, every library should possess a thousand secluded corners with tables in them. Instead library designers seem to think that there should be large open areas filled with a thousand tables.
Here are some cartoons which illustrate useful principles of library design:

Our library only has one corner in which one study in solitary bliss, people are continually fighting over it.
Furthermore in a slightly unrelated fashion:
 It is terrible when someone takes your spot in the library and you are stuck sort of stalking them from behind various bookshelves while attempting to communicate your extreme anger and frustration by telepathy. I am told that in the large old universities there are homeless looking scholars who practically live in the library and have their spots permanently reserved for them. This sounds like a lifestyle worth pursuing.

  1. The library computer room is windowless, abysmal and melancholy inducing.
Why would there be a computer room Liz, which you would be stuck in when there is wireless internet?
Because there is no wireless internet on my college campus.
I am going to go get some coffee while I let that sink in.
I am back.
Yes, it has whiskey in it.
I am going to say it again now.
Really. No wireless internet. So that is why I have to suffer in the Library’s computer room.
Did you hear that explosion? It was the sound of millions of college students minds being blown. They would die without the internet.

  1. Our library does not have any recent books.
We have a rare books room containing:
·         Some really old book that a monk might have died on, there is an unpleasant looking blood spatter on it. I bet he said “the pen is mightier…” and then some Viking ran him through. (Are you thinking of Celebrity Jeopardy right now? because I am.)
·         Some books that have “fore edge painting” if you slant the pages they make pictures. Apparently this was very popular at some point. Nobody cares what these books say… but the sides make a picture.
I feel like our library is a flashback to the Middle Ages.

It is acceptable that we do not have Twilight.

  1. The library does not have any children’s books.
There is nothing that helps to alleviate the Sundays (a mental disease that ruins half the weekend through dread) like children’s books which have awesome pictures and are great. Our library has no children’s books or children’s section at all. I would read them in the children’s section of the regular library, but all of the moms give me funny looks.
  1. Our library is deathly silent.
Now, most libraries are quiet but our library is silent and echo-y you can hear a stomach grumble from the other side of the building.

Coming soon: Libraries Part Two, Hell’s Library.

Coming eventually: Video footage of Trivial Quadrivial Pursuit, once I acquire it (which I have not succeeded in yet) I will have to edit out all the parts where we sit around thinking and all the parts in which I am stupid and or make mistakes.

What do you mean by eventually?
Eventually as in:
“When will we clean all of this black mold out of the shower?”
 “When will we organize your collection of Guinea Pig costumes?”

I do have this picture though.
In which I look like a stoner.