Sunday, February 10, 2013

Insulting Valentine's Day Cards

Sure there are people that I love, but there are also people that I love to hate.
You know... Nicki Minaj, Donald Trump, Nickolas Cage, those kids that took an illegal amount of crocodiles at the water fountain every single time, the couples who make-out in lines for theme park rides, the list goes on and on.
Here are some Valentines one could send to them.
Or to your significant other if
         a) they have a good sense of humor
         b) you want to break up with them anyway

If you needed something that reflects badly on you both.

That is why we are going out. I have no discretion  I once asked a very attractive baboon on a date, it took me awhile to realize that I was off by a species.

Harry Potter.

I cant spell Valentine for my life. Think "Valent...Valence electrons..." I tell myself every time but I never remember. Elementary school was a hard time for me.
Who ever wanted to give everyone valentines? Nobody. Ever, because last week Ernie blew his nose on you and he shouldn't get candy for it.
And we all knew that no one wanted to give everybody a Valentine. So the teachers rules sort of  ended up telling this life lesson: "people out there really hate you but they won't tell you because it's not polite, so you can't really believe them. Compliments are never what they seem."
I doubt Mrs. Myers was actually trying to tell us that.

Make insulting cards for Valentine's day.
If you are alone and bitter,
Or you don’t even mind being alone but you are just bitter
(my category- no really I don’t mind being alone. I spent close to all three weeks of Christmas vacation alone in my room. I was perfectly happy. Other people began to scare the crap out of me.)

I will hopefully make some more of these.
And maybe tell you about my feelings, stay is gonna be terrible.

No I don't. But this is my favorite one.


  1. I love the last one.

    The second one has touched on something I have always suspected... What kind of person would love me that isn't related to me? Someone who was very confused and/or stupid. I think this is the reason people talk about romantic "love" making people stupid (so they can be blind to their otherwise obvious incompatibilities).

    - Quidam

  2. Thanks! Hopefully I will get around to making some more. I have some more quotes but I wanted to save my favorite ones for real Valentines and not PC paint.
    Shakespeare, capturing human drama in a fashion which we still relate to completely. What a boss.

  3. Haha the Nietzsche one almost made me bust up laughing in the library. love it! -marge

    1. Now imagine Nietzsche attempting to woo the modern lady, with all his terrible opinions about women I am going to bet he would be slapped a lot. Namely, every time he said "girl just shut-up and be beautiful. Women aren't supposed to be smart." ...hold on, new conclusion he would be a rapper.