Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas

A pixel Christmas card.
I don't know why they look so happy to be nearly eaten by a monster Christmas wreath.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Ebenezer Scrooge's BAH HUMBUG Guide to NOT Celebrating Christmas

"Every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart" - Me (Ebenezer)

"Is the stake of holly to prevent him rising from the dead as a festive Christmas vampire or something?" - Liz

"Shut up." - Me

Chapter 1

Welcome, outlandishly wealthy scrimpers, to the pages of this tome addressing the horror that is Christmas. We will start, as these sorts of books always do, by defining the all important term "bah humbug". Since I suggest that you use this phrase whenever the subject of Christmas rears it's nasty and garland bedecked head, it is quite important that you know what it means.*

Humbug: noun
1. Deceptive talk, fraud, or false behavior
2. a hard candy flavored with peppermint

Thus when we say, "Bah Humbug!" of Christmas related atrocities we are declaring Christmas to be a fraud- which it is. A fraud robbing people of their money and requiring me to give Bob Cratch-his-face an entire day off. We are not declaring Christmas to be a hard candy flavored with peppermint. The idea that anyone would be willing to eat candy named "humbug" is quite surprising to me. It is clear, however, that we should also hate candy, for it is something that people enjoy.

*Though some may complain that beginning even a short book with the definition of a word is a bad habit practiced mostly by freshman in college speech classes, it is rather important to know what we are saying . For example, when I am described as "scrimping" people seem to take this as: "one who gains and hoards finances in a miserly and cruel manner". However, I am sure it means: "one who earns money through judicious decisions and lawful means." Similarly when I am described as "cold" what is meant is that I am a man of rational thought and orderly habit.

Chapter 2:  Christmas traditions re-appropriated for our purposes

1. Christmas is a time for giving... prison sentences, beating,s and trips to the pillory for vagrants and similarly unsavory characters.
2. Wrapping paper is good for ...attractively packaging nefarious documents such as: eviction notices, jury summons, and legal fees.

Chapter 3: Advice on ignoring your relatives

What to do if your recently married* good for nothing nephew shows up and invites you Christmas dinner.
1. Sneer (you should practice your sneer on a daily basis - indeed mine is so excellent that just last Tuesday I gave a particularly cold sneer to calico kitten. It perished on the spot. T'was a singular triumph of malfeasance.)
2. Glare
3. Say "Bah Humbug!" or "Bah! Humbug!" but not, "Humbug! Bah!" - doesn't have the same exasperated ring to it. It just sounds off somehow.


Chapter 4: Christmas Carols

Mr. Scrooge is supposed to have a rocket launcher in this picture produced by our utterly useless illustrator.
Also many Christmas carols promote giving things to the poor, to which we say, "Are there no prisons?" 


Good King Wenceslas:

Good King Wenceslas looked out 
On the feast of Steven
When the snow lay all about 
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight 
Gathering winter fuel

Hm...poor man...gathering winter fuel...sounds an awful lot like...BOB! What! What on earth is Bob doing wandering about in the middle of the night gathering fuel? What an ungrateful slob I give him a whole piece of coal and if he doesn't want frostbite he should stop being poor! King Wenceslas, don't you dare give him a farthing. 

PS - Random bits about A Christmas Carol

  • I am not a huge Dickens fan, but A Christmas Carol is really short and fun. There is a Jim Dale version and it's fantastic.
  •  In the book the ghost of Christmas past is described as an old man who is the size and shape of a child with a flame on its head - terrifying.
  •  Also in the book, as a child Scrooge spends Christmas at his dilapidated school boarding house because his abusive father refuses to let him come home. So he sits, on Christmas, reading a book in an empty school classroom. I might have a problem with Christmas too after that.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Jurassic World - It's gonna be fun.

I know this is so a week ago and everyone has moved on to the Star Wars trailer and the soccer ball droid now - but I am not done yet. I am still excited about Jurassic world.
Here's why:

People complaining about Jurassic World not being a realistic representation of dinosaurs will be given the silent treatment. If you want science - watch Cosmos.
The plot of every Jurassic Park movie is the same and that is okay with me.
I really like how they always bring in the scientists after they have a. cloned some dinosaurs b. made up new dinosaurs c. re-created a shitload of carnivorous dinosaurs and then they say "hey scientist of some sort- will you just confirm that we are super smart and tell us that we did a great job?" and the scientist is like: "NOPE. Ya'll cray cray. This was the worst plan that I ev...".CHSHSH (radio static) "10-4 We um seem to be missing an entire T-Rex"
Scientist: Not cool. But at least there are electric fences everywhere and - I mean they will totally withstand that oncoming tropical storm...right?
"10-4 We um didn't think we would engineer an automatic backup generator on this tropical island which is frequently hit by heavy storms."

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving Day Timeline

A timeline of Thanksgiving day for those of you who forgot what you are supposed to be doing.

Spiritual reflections:
Thanksgiving is like a precursor to advent. It prepares us to wait patiently for the coming of the lord ...dinner. Are we sure that thanksgiving is about thanks and not about patience?

I keep seeing facebook pictures of people who ran thanksgiving day races. Is nothing sacred? And the lord said, "thou shalt keep this day sacred"

Monday, November 24, 2014

Turkey Hands that I have Known

I am going to try an experiment. Something I have never done before. I am going to hold a competition. A hand turkey competition.
You have no excuse not to draw a hand turkey. Everyone can draw a hand turkey.

Step 1: Have a hand. Put your hand on a piece of paper. Trace it with a writing utensil of some sort (eating utensils will not do). If you do not have a hand for some reason (for example an alligator ate it) borrow someone else's hand and trace it while holding the marker in your hand. You may also decide to use this approach if you are someone who enjoys being awkward.

Step 2: Make it look like a turkey. This outline of your hand really looks nothing like a turkey. I don't know whose idea this was but it must have been for little kids or someone with a surprising lack of motor function and drawing skill.

Step 3: Add somethings that's cussing interesting. Plain old turkeys will not do. Additions of the following items are welcome: robots, bears, a space battle, Poe, a tank, some pilgrims etc.)

Step 4: Send it to me. Take a picture with your phone and post it somewhere here. Preferably by email Posting on the Facebook page is cool too. Sending it to me by carrier pigeon is okay, but only if the pigeon's name is Steve.
If no one sends me a hand turkey picture I will be sad.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sinon - Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I feel like writing a mythology parody.
Who remembers the Greek's main man Sinon? He was the one who hung out by the huge wooden horse (holding the most bad-ass of all the Greek soldiers) and eventually convinced the Trojans to bring it in the city. He was a lying ass. 
The pictures have almost nothing to do with Sinon - they just break up the wordyness of this story a little.
This shit is cray. (1)
The Trojans are walking around outside the city generally dumbfounded by the fact that:
a. after 10 years of sticking around and fighting the Greeks just all of a sudden decided to leave
b. they left a huge statue of a horse
while they are busy contemplating these absurdities this random dude shows up

Sinon: Hey guys- woe is me! But who am I kidding? You are just going to murder me before you hear my story anyway since I am soooo unfortunate to have been born a Greek.

Trojans:Uh well we actually weren't just going to straight up kill you and we are all about stories so go ahead and tell us what happened.

Sinon: So sad. Such woe. Ulysses is such a big jerk. I mean we were all just so tired of camping (a weekend is long enough- amirte? and ten years on these stupid beaches! I haven't had a meal without sand in it in a decade) and we wanted to get out of here. But Calchas said the gods wanted a human sacrifice before they left and you know like usual they prefer virgins. We were plumb out of chick virgins so Ulysses volunteered me - punk! Anyway I managed to run off before they sacrificed me but now I will never see my family (sob)

Trojans: Well Gez that's just crappy - you know what? you can be one of us. Forget the Greeks they are clearly shity anyway. But um there's this one thing - what - why is there a huge wooden horse? I know they are weird but - wow.

Sinon: Well see I am not supposed to tell you.

Trojans: Please?

Sinon: Oh fine if you insist.Wait actually could you insist a little more?

Trojans: we insist.
"But Bro! If we are not going to fight naked why would we even bother?" (2)
Sinon: Oh good. The Greeks made the gods upset and Calchas (our stupid ass prophet) said that if they left they would never make it home. He told them that if they left some sort of gift they would be fine.
Oh..wait there was something else about the prophecy.
Oh yeah it had to be really big because if you took it inside the city somehow the Greeks would have their asses kicked by you later. Also if you harm the horse in anyway then you will be cursed.

Trojans: So um -wait how did you hear all this stuff I thought you ran off?

Sinon: Well quite...I...hid in hid in a mud puddle. Yes a mud puddle.

Trojans: Sounds legit.

Laccoon (a Trojan): Bullshiticus. I didn't trust the Greeks before and I don't trust them now. This horse thing is fishy- not in a literal sense but rather in a figurative one meaning that I think this is exactly the sort of ruse that corn-chowder head Ulysses would think up.
(Lacoon chucks his spear at the horse and suddenly he and his two sons are horrifically devoured by gargantuan snakes that appear from nowhere)

Trojans: That wasn't weird at all. It was not at all strange that the only person to speak out about this horse statue suddenly died an awful death.

Sinon: Nope. Not weird. Snakes devouring people and their children - happens all the time. Hey and - yeah! It is probably because he threw his spear at the horse! He harmed it so he was cursed...scary amirite?

Trojans: Oh gods! You are right. Let's get this statue in here pronto.

Thusly were the Trojans unfortunately vanquished.

*PS and also:
This story is a slightly bowdlerized chunk from Virgil's Aeneid. If you haven't read the Aeneid you are missing out on all kinds of great stuff like a bleeding tree.
 In other news- my copy of the Aeneid is in shambles and drowning in post-its. I am pretty sure I got it from the up for grabs in the first place and it is in about three pieces.

(1) Photo Credit: Mary Harrsch  Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
(2) Photo Credit: Dan Diffendale Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Lazy Weekends

I am surely going to get caught up on all that: 
Mold and grime vanquishing
Blog posting 
Finance calculating

I have made a habit of deluding myself about weekends.
It began in college when I told myself things like:
I will  finish  start  write a topic sentence for*  think about this paper. 
I will read all of Emma for Thursday's seminar.
I will write an extra paper about The Waste Land for fun. 
It all ended with me taking homework to the beach and not doing any of it.
I have carried this habit with me into my ever-so-slightly-more-adult-years.

This circle though - wow it is lumpy

* Some great sentences (or titles or introductions) that I have just made up:
In the Prior Analytics, Aristotle introduces us to the harrowing boredom brought on by syllogistic logic.

The Iliad is a timeless book which bears a striking resemblance to Jersey Shore. These similarities, e.g., excessively tan and buff dudes, various petty brawls, and a view of women which involves possession or enslavement, seem to have gone unnoticed by a large majority of literary commentators.

Beatrice doesn't give a shit about you Dante. She is too busy being blindingly shiny. Also she is dead. It's time to get over it.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Halloween - The Witches Stew

Guys - Guys guess what?! 
It's almost Halloween! 

 I am so happy about it that I couldn't help but write a silly poem. 

Halloween is my most favorite holiday.
Yes. Yes it is. Yes I like it better than my Birthday and Christmas. 
Here I shall prevent  arguments concerning the excellence of Halloween.

a. Birthdays are too stressful.
 Its about you but also it isn't. Your mom has been drilling that into you ever since your first birthday party when she reminded you that "you needed to pay attention to your guests" even though you invited most of the guests to increase the number of presents you would acquire. It's not supposed to be so about you that you get upset when nobody can do something. And yet everyone feels kind of bad and keeps apologizing for not being able to do anything. You feel pressure to throw some sort of party that you will probably not enjoy.
Halloween is about creepy things. And magic colors - like green, purple orange and black. Furthermore* it is the only time of the year that spiders are not so horrible.   

*It is a serious argument (or hastily written college paper) when one uses the word "furthermore".

b. Christmas decorations. 
Yes Christmas lights are nice. No those stupid cheery blow up Santas are not. There are too many placid faced darling little elf decorations everywhere. It makes one feel like they might barf up a glitter rainbow. Presents aren't as exciting when what you really want is for a fairy to appear and offer you dental insurance. Holiday spirit. I just don't really have it - I sometimes try to convince my family not to put up a Christmas tree (Me: "It will be at least February before we put that thing away!"
Tinsel. NO
Popcorn strings. MOLD
Mistletoe. PET POISON.
Halloween on the other hand I am all about decorating for. I have finally scored some black lights that work and I have the day off tomorrow to Halloween-ify my house. It's all I've ever wanted (Prince of Egypt).

c. No but I don't like scary things. 
Me neither. I can't watch commercials for horror movies. But I am strangely unaffected by mazes and Knot's Scary Farm type stuff. In fact, I like it and I would at give a pinky finger to be a haunter. 
Halloween has a cool thing to it a "guess what? we are the things to be feared" sort of thing. It's just a house. Just a fake skeleton. Fear is what we make it.

d. Dress up is something I am still not done with. 
Who doesn't want to be a superhero? Or Harry Potter? Or a streetlight? (some people are different.)
To be something or someone else for a moment is great.

that's it.
* That's not quite it.I am proud of that venomous tentacula. I think it is adorable.

Saturday, October 18, 2014


People freaking out about Ebola makes me think of this: 

It's a nerdy board game joke - if you are normal proceed to feel sorry for me and then move on.
PS and also: If you haven't played Pandemic you should cause it is fun.
Now you don't even have to pay to go to fright fest.
Some random things concerning Ebola.

1. No listen we don't want to be reasonable and not be freaked out. Come on where is your holiday spirit? Terror and rumor are brothers they are swift and contagious.

2. See here it is way more pleasant to be afraid of things that we do not think we could be responsible for. Fearing obesity or economic failure is not as fun.

3. Have you seen that one cartoon of a fat-cheeseburger-eating-cigarette-smoking dude freaking out about Ebola - and next to him there is a list of how many Americans die from obesity or whatever?
It's a good point except...
Here in America want we to die slowly from the vice of our choice. We want to have the freedom to perish of a heart attack from only consuming milkshakes mixed with monster. It's hard to fear small bad decisions that you make everyday.

4. To those who say, "listen you can't get Ebola because it isn't even airborne. When do you come into contact with other peoples bodily fluids?"
I say: "You must not teach or have kids."
If a bunch of kids get this- we are done.
Kids be like :

-Sorry my nose is running and there is a tissue box over right next to me but your pants look better.
-If I covered my nose when I sneezed how would you know that you need to take care of me because I have a cold?
-This booger spray is a sign of affection.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Pottermania - owls

Many people have a fantasy universe - Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, - a universe they would give a little toe to know all the factoids about.
Mine is Harry Potter.
        I remember standing in a Borders packed elbow to elbow with people waiting for the seventh Harry Potter book - passing the time by leering at Slytherins and raucously singing competing/duet versions of "Weasly is Our King".
* Slytherins: "Weasly was born in a bin"  Gryffindors: "He NEVER lets the Quaffle in." BOTH: WEASLY IS OUR KING!

Pottermania has recently reappeared vehemently in my life.
Here are some clear examples of Pottermania issues:

a) me being at the library and picking up a book called "Mapping the World of Harry Potter" which is a book of essays about Harry Potter written by authors of various fiction genres and people with a PHD in philosophy.
Take away: I am reading a commentary on Harry Potter. Which I enjoy. I do not regret it.

b) I drew this picture of some owls from Harry Potter.

c)  Reading the Philosopher's stone and realizing that Snape's potion puzzle is LSAT puzzle diagram-able. Yay logic games. The one in the book is more open because because you cannot see the potion bottles - making the 3rd clue unfortunately useless.
I made it easy for you though.

Harry needs to go forward - which potion will take him through?

Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind,
Two of us will help you, whichever you would find,
One among us seven will let you move ahead,
Another will transport the drinker back instead,
Two among our number hold only nettle wine,
Three of us are killers, waiting hidden in line.
Choose, unless you wish to stay here forevermore,
To help you in your choice, we give you these clues four:
First, however slyly the poison tries to hide
You will always find some on nettle wine’s left side;
Second, different are those who stand at either end,
But if you would move onward, neither is your friend;
Third, as you see clearly, all are different size,
Neither dwarf nor giant holds death in their insides;
Fourth, the second left and the second on the right
Are twins once you taste them, though different at first sight.

You tell me- which one is it?

d) This rant I made on facebook about a buzzfeed article.
I left it in small print just in case you didn't feel like reading it - but it is a worthwhile rant. This is the offending article: 16 Reasons You'd Probably Die at Hogwarts. It appears to me that they may have (GASP) just watched the movies without reading the books. Poor muggles. Bless them.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Just Job Things

Resumes, unctuous cover letters, and mundane questions are huge challenges for me.
Corporate speak galvanizes a small demon in me - I am immediately tempted to give silly answers.

Recently I was asked to respond to questions about my short and long term professional goals - these were my first three thoughts about how to respond. I thought they were funny so I wrote them out for you.

Filch is a grumpy-grumplestiltskins. I just made that up and I am proud of it. I have been reading a lot of Harry Potter - can you tell?

Why do people pay so much for sunglasses?

What am I doing with my life? 
No I did not actually turn any of them in. If I had that much courage I would probably be in a more interesting place right now - like prison or perchance the Weasley's joke shop.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Great Books Some Crooks

That is supposed to be a high five...but it looks awkward. It says lorenzbro on purpose.

Machiavelli wrote fiction and comedy too - isn't that weird?
Machiavelli: "and then at the end - all the losers trip into a tiger pit and die! HAHA"
Everyone else: "ummm...right. Dark sense of humor there."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

Video Game and Pixel Art Attempts

I enjoy some retro-video games and newer games that look like retro games (VVVVV - google it fools. It brings great joy to all the peoples.) 
So I decided to try my hand at some pixel art just for you. 

Attempt 1: Bobble head Hellboy. 

1 Part effort drawing Hellboy - Equal Parts effort figuring out how to re-size the image. Google you Sphinx you!

I drew a birthday cupcake for myself. 

All this Pixel art made me think of old video games - and suddenly I had an idea for one so I wrote about it some.

The main character of the story is you as the boring Nobody No-onecareserson. This is your first year at Mundane University. Every professor has grey hair and wears a sweater vest. Absolutely every student is invested mentally and emotionally in the success of the school football team. Beer-Pong is the reason that the student body gets up in the morning.

You find the peach-pit of destiny under a loose floorboard in your dorm room and a narration voice tells you the story of Mundane University. Not so long ago the school was placed under a boring curse by a fugly godmother. You - the most typical of the normal people at mundane university - have been chosen to return mundane university to its former glory by expelling the evils of basic-bitchyness.

The game makes fun of you on many occasions.

And a proclivity towards normal objects which make unexpected things happen.

(* example: If you find whey powder and workout at the school gym while you are a princess you can go on a PRINCESS RAMPAGE to conquer Derek the Curmudgeonly Dragon.

Yes I know that the G in RAMPAGE looks like a C but I am too lazy to change it.