Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy Easter

Easter confirms the fact that in America we will keep in business the most revolting candy ever created. Though the Twinky has bit the dust, Peeps survive and spawn more of their kind each year.
Peeps is one of those things that everybody has so every couple of years you are convinced that "they cannot be gross if everyone buys them." So then you try one and you spit it out.
Peeps are nasty.

Because they taste nasty - I for some reason feel like Peeps have nasty characters hidden behind their crystallized sugar sweet faces. I feel like they are cruel, mean sugar-marshmallow mobsters.

If you were to over here a conversation between peeps it would be like this:
(Peep 1) BERNIE : Freddy if ya don't fork over ya chocolate eggs real soon, the boss says I gonna make some-mores outta ya wife and children.
(Peep 2) FREDDY: Oh my sweet pastel colored fluff marshmallow god! Ya can't do that ta me Bernie, I'll get dem chocolate eggs I promise.
BERNIE : Ya better or we melt you into the 50% off jet-puff marshmallow cream ya're made of. We'll put ya in an Easter basket and some kid will take a bite outta ya head and ya ass and toss the rest-a-ya in a trash bin. Got it?
FREDDY: I don't know where to find chocolate eggs.
BERNIE: Steal them from the Chocolate Rabbit Gang.
FREDDY: ummmmmmmmm... boss. Why do the chocolate Rabbits have eggs an not baby bunnies? That don't make no sense.
BERNIE: shut the fake-plastic-Easter-basket-grass up.

I now pose an essential scientific question: would peeps taste good in some-mores?
a discussion with myself concerning this important question:
a) They are gross so they could not possibly taste good.
b) How could some-mores be bad? The phrase "Bad Some-mores" is self-contradictory. If you are camping and your some-more falls in the dirt: 10/10 would eat anyway.

PS. The phrase "10/10 would eat anyway" should be a thing.
"raptor hamburger" response: 10/10 would eat anyway.
"Archaeologists found ancient wine" - 8/10 would drink anyway, and probably die.
"cherry bourbon" - 2/10 would drink anyway
(No really. It is foul. Don't drink it. Don't even steal it from your roommate and drink theirs, it is not even worth pilfering from someone else. Note: I am not here accusing my roommate of having such bad taste in alcoholic substances, rather I am speaking of other people and their roommates.)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Mind Soap

Mind Soap, its for when somebody says something that you don't want to think about.
But you can't stop.

like this:
check out that 400 pound woman in a thong.
picture everybody naked.
Snape and Sirus Black in a romantic relationship.

Dirty thoughts you'd rather not have? Call the mind soap - perversion exterminators today.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

St. Patrick's Day

A Conversation between me and the IRA, in which things get vaguely violent. At the St. Patrick's school dinner last night (during which umpteen renditions of Danny Boy were sung and everyone got all teary eyed at the sufferings of the Irish people, I had to leave because I kept cracking jokes during very emotional songs.) I during this dinner I discovered that the difference between the IRA and the IRS was not common knowledge. For your information, the IRA is the Irish Republican Army, not the IRS - though accountants are fearsome in their own right and I have yet to finish my taxes.
ME: Hey! Irish Rat-Cusstards this your flag?

IRA: Nay! that is the symbol of oppression for our red-headed-booze-drinkin' people.
ME: right this your flag?

IRA: NAY! ye blasphemer! That is the color of the protestant infidels. We don't like you, and we are going to cut your head off.
ME: Cut my head off, don't you guys blow stuff up?
IRA: Yes but we recently attended a terrorism conference which Al Qaida hosted, and we received a couple helpful suggestions about our terrorist operations so we are trying some new things.
Ok I think it's this, some catholic green people duking it out with protestant orange people over some supposed "peace" in the middle.
Religious wars: Let's help each other reach the afterlife in no time. 
well that might have been a little preachy...but this fighting flag is cool so there.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Thesis Angst

I have submitted a thesis to the faculty of Thomas Aquinas College in partial fulfillment for the degree of bachelor of arts...or whatever. On Sunday, which was why I didn't post then.
It was and is the worst of times.
So here I have some paper writing stress cartoons.


Sunday, March 3, 2013


Here is a cartoon for you:

That feeling you get when you find slimy conditioner in your ears is terrible.
What do all of these weird ear folds do except provide many odd opportunities for ear piercings?
Only one cartoon what new sloth is this? Yes only one. My thesis is due next Sunday. Did you hear that? Next Sunday DOBY IS A FREE ELF!!! ...and will wear clothes?!?
and will stop beginning sentences with "therefore"...
In other news, powderpuff is not a game were women throw old-time makeup things with nose powder in them at each other. It is football, I am very sore and have received more than a few fingernail scratches.

My initials spell ear.
I might be clinically brain dead from writing this thesis non-stop.