Monday, May 27, 2013

Blip- Chocolate

Sometimes you don't want two pieces of chocolate.
Sometimes you want two and a half pieces of chocolate.
But you can't break one piece in half.
So you say to yourself, "I will just eat half of it and then put the other half... somewhere."
And then you say, "that somewhere is in my mouth."
And all of a sudden you have eaten a 1 pound bar of chocolate from Trader Joe's.



Because sometimes I want to share tiny things like recent experiences with chocolate with the internet. They are not full blown Sunday posts, they are instants, blips of me. Teaspoons of absurdity. 
Yeah this is what twitter is for but sometimes all that text doesn't fit into a tweet. Be quiet technologically savvy hooligans.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Corn Dog Principle

Welcome to "life the way I see it" by Seize the Absurd.
Today it is my pleasure to introduce:

The principle is this:
Everybody likes stuff which is crap. They are totally aware that it is crap- but they like it anyway. I feel this way about Corn dogs, and I decided that the term "Corn dog" could be easily applied to things which I feel slightly guilty about liking.
For example:
 Sometimes huge buff dudes like to order sweet girly drinks at the bar and absolutely hate whiskey.
Sometimes one knows all the words to various Ke$ha and Katy Perry songs, though they are educated individuals (ahem this one has nothing to do with me I swear).

Life is like a bunch of Corn dogs, they are crap but I ate five anyway.

Here is how to properly utilize this principle to your advantage:

For example: 
"I like twilight... Corn dog principle"
" I like the Faerie Queene...Corn dog princple."
"I like Northanger Abbey ...Corn dog principle"

What are your Corn dogs?
I have no idea why that sounds wrong but it does, and I like that it does. I am leaving it there.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Goodbye is a stupid word.

Everyone bear with me and my emotional moments. Take a second for me and remember what it was like to leave college. Or if you hated college then remember when you had to leave someone you loved. Or if you have never loved someone, then go chop onions until you cry you cussing robot... because I am a little jealous of you right now.

After receiving a diploma in a hazy dream state filled with strange hats and academic garb, I was congratulated by a host of faces. To all of the faces I said  "Thank you" rapid fire.
"Thank you." I said.
"Thank you."
"Yes. Thank you. Nice to see you. Thank you."
"Yes. I am wearing basketball shorts. You could see them when I went to receive my diploma? Oh well I guess they can't expel me now."

But the next day I had some serious reasons to believe that I shouldn't have been congratulated at all, and in fact I felt slightly betrayed by all those who congratulated me. Maybe they should have offered condolences instead. It dawned on me that I was saying goodbye to a bunch of people that I loved.
If I could go back in time to my own graduation and talk to myself our conversation would go like this:

Liz present: "condolences, I am very sorry for your loss."
Liz past: "what the? I think this tassel was in my ear. Did you say loss?"
Liz present: "Yes. Loss. You are about to realize that you are going to have to leave a bunch of people that you love. You will never live with them, you will never spend your entire life with them in the same way again. You are about to melt into a sniveling ball of weepy snot."
Liz past: "What?!"
Liz present: "Prepare to feel like a Mexican birthday party without a bouncy castle."
"Like a Jedi without a light saber."
 "Or Harry Potter without a scar."
"You do not have a job. You are in debt and your dreams of a successful career in comedy writing are not super likely to come true."
Liz past: "Well that was, um, realistic."

Anyway this feeling of loss resulted in the following cartoons in which my multiple personalities attempt to deal with our emotional turmoil.

I think that I just gave myself a hug via cartoon. I am a loser.

And it struck me as I was balling my eyes out about leaving these people - that goodbye is a stupid word. Because parting from people that you love is is not good at all. 
A goodbye seems like an oxymoron or a rare a mythical beast. Or possibly something that is only true when you hate the person leaving.
So yeah.
Farewell, class of 2013. 

Here have some never agains:
Never again will we ponder over dinner the very speculative question, "Is this pork or chicken?" Or more generically, "Is this food at all?" and the ever popular, "Are these vegetables green because they are dyed with food coloring?"
Never again will we suffer from dinner being "pork cutlets".
Never again will we pre-game a seminar.
Never again will we frantically try to learn the general ideas behind a semester of details in one night before a final.
Never again will we drink in a dirt patch...probably. 
Never again will we demonstrate a proposition.

PS Don't worry I will soon quit writing posts about graduation. I swear. No really I promise- don't leave. (she says with more than a tinge of desperation)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I graduated and I am lazy.

Well yesterday I graduated college, so today I am too lazy to write a real post.
I hope you will forgive me.
I will make a quaint statement about academic robes.

People in academic regalia look absurd. Masters or phd holders look even more ridiculous.
 I believe that this is the secret principal:
 The higher the education you get, the more ridiculous stuff they stick on you.
Just in case you were tempted to forget that you are an idiot.
 In case you were thinking "Holy cannoli batman, I am a genius! I'm very well acquainted to with matters mathematical ... (proudly, the foolhardy graduate sings the rest of  Modern Major General)".
They make you stick a large flat square on your head - (in what is understood by many as the worst and most useless hat design ever created) and have you walk around in billowing black robes (sheets?). I took full advantage of wearing robes and loudly pronounced spells from Harry Potter at every available opportunity.

Anyway my moment of glory yesterday was spent hoping that I was not sweating through said academic robes. It is not good graduation weather in California.

Look at my beautiful academic quadrangle. See how it slips off my head like it went out drinking yesterday and is tipsy?

There I am!
Being given a questioning side glance which says, "what are you smoking? Did the church incense make you lose your mind? Do non-catholic people always look this happy when they get out of mass?"

In my defense I believe that I have just seen my mom and sister and I am about to wave to them - don't worry, I don't carry this stupidly happy and enthusiastic expression on my face all the time.

PS I am wearing a black t-shirt and basketball shorts. Ever-so-formal.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Birds, General Finals Week Terror.

I lie.
I am not even slightly terrified. In fact, though we are yet in the fray of our last set of college finals, I have still managed to come down with the Sundays. Having none of the terror that motivates people to study - I am now lying on my bed like a jello salad. Occasionally I have some vague useless notions about what Einstein thinks about "field", which I might use for my Lab final tomorrow.

Anyway, since I attend the strangest school on the planet, everybody takes finals in pretty much the same subjects- so we do a finals countdown on the dry erase board (in which we draw up some random things and then kill each of them off as we finish that final). Since I am very busy pretending to study I will just give you some pictures of our finals countdown/kill-off. In which every subject is represented by Birds.. for no reason whatsoever.

Please note one of my favorite parts of this board is that it says: "Please DO NOT change or erase anything on this board or Liz Rosema will kill you! Slowly." and then someone said that they were going to miss my cartoons/ death threats next year which is ever-so touching.

Hopefully this will get bigger when you click on it.
Anyways as you can see, the "Music and Latin" finals are taken on Saturday so that bird has already been killed off and in this case is being roasted on a spit over an open fire.

Here is the math question.

And the lab question:

The answer to which of course is "African or European?"
What is the definite integral of swallow with respect to x?

And this: 

As I was drawing on a different part of the board someone came over and read it out loud slowly. 
Then they looked at me.
Then they read it again.
Then they looked at me. 
And then they said, "but, that doesn't follow." 
And I said, "Yes..." 
God bless the freshman...