Merry Christmas

A pixel Christmas card.

I don't know why they look so happy to be nearly eaten by a monster Christmas wreath.

Ebenezer Scrooge's BAH HUMBUG Guide to NOT Celebrating Christmas

"Every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart" - Me (Ebenezer)

"Is the stake of holly to prevent him rising from the dead as a festive Christmas vampire or something?" - Liz

"Shut up." - Me

Chapter 1

Welcome, outlandishly wealthy scrimpers, to the pages of this tome addressing the horror that is Christmas. We will start, as these sorts of books always do, by defining the all important term "bah humbug". Since I suggest that you use this phrase whenever the subject of Christmas rears it's nasty and garland bedecked head, it is quite important that you know what it means.*

Humbug: noun
1. Deceptive talk, fraud, or false behavior
2. a hard candy flavored with peppermint

Thus when we say, "Bah Humbug!" of Christmas related atrocities we are declaring Christmas to be a fraud- which it is. A fraud robbing people of their money and requiring me to give Bob Cratch-his-face an entire day off. We are not declaring Christmas to be a hard candy flavored with peppermint. The idea that anyone would be willing to eat candy named "humbug" is quite surprising to me. It is clear, however, that we should also hate candy, for it is something that people enjoy.

*Though some may complain that beginning even a short book with the definition of a word is a bad habit practiced mostly by freshman in college speech classes, it is rather important to know what we are saying . For example, when I am described as "scrimping" people seem to take this as: "one who gains and hoards finances in a miserly and cruel manner". However, I am sure it means: "one who earns money through judicious decisions and lawful means." Similarly when I am described as "cold" what is meant is that I am a man of rational thought and orderly habit.


Chapter 2:  Christmas traditions re-appropriated for our purposes

1. Christmas is a time for giving... prison sentences, beating,s and trips to the pillory for vagrants and similarly unsavory characters.
2. Wrapping paper is good for ...attractively packaging nefarious documents such as: eviction notices, jury summons, and legal fees.


Chapter 3: Advice on ignoring your relatives

What to do if your recently married* good for nothing nephew shows up and invites you Christmas dinner.
1. Sneer (you should practice your sneer on a daily basis - indeed mine is so excellent that just last Tuesday I gave a particularly cold sneer to calico kitten. It perished on the spot. T'was a singular triumph of malfeasance.)
2. Glare
3. Say "Bah Humbug!" or "Bah! Humbug!" but not, "Humbug! Bah!" - doesn't have the same exasperated ring to it. It just sounds off somehow.

*fool!

Chapter 4: Christmas Carols

Mr. Scrooge is supposed to have a rocket launcher in this picture produced by our utterly useless illustrator.

Also many Christmas carols promote giving things to the poor, to which we say, "Are there no prisons?" 

Example: 

Good King Wenceslas:

Good King Wenceslas looked out 

On the feast of Steven

When the snow lay all about 

Deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone the moon that night

Though the frost was cruel

When a poor man came in sight 

Gathering winter fuel

Hm...poor man...gathering winter fuel...sounds an awful lot like...BOB! What! What on earth is Bob doing wandering about in the middle of the night gathering fuel? What an ungrateful slob I give him a whole piece of coal and if he doesn't want frostbite he should stop being poor! King Wenceslas, don't you dare give him a farthing. 

PS - Random bits about A Christmas Carol

• I am not a huge Dickens fan, but A Christmas Carol is really short and fun. There is a Jim Dale version and it's fantastic.
•  In the book the ghost of Christmas past is described as an old man who is the size and shape of a child with a flame on its head - terrifying.
•  Also in the book, as a child Scrooge spends Christmas at his dilapidated school boarding house because his abusive father refuses to let him come home. So he sits, on Christmas, reading a book in an empty school classroom. I might have a problem with Christmas too after that.

Jingle Bells

HEY!

Jingle bells batman smells...so better than the original.

Jurassic World - It's gonna be fun.

I know this is so a week ago and everyone has moved on to the Star Wars trailer and the soccer ball droid now - but I am not done yet. I am still excited about Jurassic world.
Here's why:

People complaining about Jurassic World not being a realistic representation of dinosaurs will be given the silent treatment. If you want science - watch Cosmos.

The plot of every Jurassic Park movie is the same and that is okay with me.

I really like how they always bring in the scientists after they have a. cloned some dinosaurs b. made up new dinosaurs c. re-created a shitload of carnivorous dinosaurs and then they say "hey scientist of some sort- will you just confirm that we are super smart and tell us that we did a great job?" and the scientist is like: "NOPE. Ya'll cray cray. This was the worst plan that I ev...".CHSHSH (radio static) "10-4 We um seem to be missing an entire T-Rex"
Scientist: Not cool. But at least there are electric fences everywhere and - I mean they will totally withstand that oncoming tropical storm...right?
"10-4 We um didn't think we would engineer an automatic backup generator on this tropical island which is frequently hit by heavy storms."

Thanksgiving Day Timeline

A timeline of Thanksgiving day for those of you who forgot what you are supposed to be doing.

Spiritual reflections:
Thanksgiving is like a precursor to advent. It prepares us to wait patiently for the coming of the lord ...dinner. Are we sure that thanksgiving is about thanks and not about patience?

I keep seeing facebook pictures of people who ran thanksgiving day races. Is nothing sacred? And the lord said, "thou shalt keep this day sacred"

Turkey Hands that I have Known

I am going to try an experiment. Something I have never done before. I am going to hold a competition. A hand turkey competition.
You have no excuse not to draw a hand turkey. Everyone can draw a hand turkey.

Step 1: Have a hand. Put your hand on a piece of paper. Trace it with a writing utensil of some sort (eating utensils will not do). If you do not have a hand for some reason (for example an alligator ate it) borrow someone else's hand and trace it while holding the marker in your hand. You may also decide to use this approach if you are someone who enjoys being awkward.

Step 2: Make it look like a turkey. This outline of your hand really looks nothing like a turkey. I don't know whose idea this was but it must have been for little kids or someone with a surprising lack of motor function and drawing skill.

Step 3: Add somethings that's cussing interesting. Plain old turkeys will not do. Additions of the following items are welcome: robots, bears, a space battle, Poe, a tank, some pilgrims etc.)

Step 4: Send it to me. Take a picture with your phone and post it somewhere here. Preferably by email lizrosema@gmail.com. Posting on the Facebook page is cool too. Sending it to me by carrier pigeon is okay, but only if the pigeon's name is Steve.
If no one sends me a hand turkey picture I will be sad.

Sinon - Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I feel like writing a mythology parody.
Context:
Who remembers the Greek's main man Sinon? He was the one who hung out by the huge wooden horse (holding the most bad-ass of all the Greek soldiers) and eventually convinced the Trojans to bring it in the city. He was a lying ass. 
The pictures have almost nothing to do with Sinon - they just break up the wordyness of this story a little.

This shit is cray. (1)

The Trojans are walking around outside the city generally dumbfounded by the fact that:
a. after 10 years of sticking around and fighting the Greeks just all of a sudden decided to leave
b. they left a huge statue of a horse
while they are busy contemplating these absurdities this random dude shows up

Sinon: Hey guys- woe is me! But who am I kidding? You are just going to murder me before you hear my story anyway since I am soooo unfortunate to have been born a Greek.

Trojans:Uh well we actually weren't just going to straight up kill you and we are all about stories so go ahead and tell us what happened.

Sinon: So sad. Such woe. Ulysses is such a big jerk. I mean we were all just so tired of camping (a weekend is long enough- amirte? and ten years on these stupid beaches! I haven't had a meal without sand in it in a decade) and we wanted to get out of here. But Calchas said the gods wanted a human sacrifice before they left and you know like usual they prefer virgins. We were plumb out of chick virgins so Ulysses volunteered me - punk! Anyway I managed to run off before they sacrificed me but now I will never see my family (sob)

Trojans: Well Gez that's just crappy - you know what? you can be one of us. Forget the Greeks they are clearly shity anyway. But um there's this one thing - what - why is there a huge wooden horse? I know they are weird but - wow.

Sinon: Well see I am not supposed to tell you.

Trojans: Please?

Sinon: Oh fine if you insist.Wait actually could you insist a little more?

Trojans: we insist.

"But Bro! If we are not going to fight naked why would we even bother?" (2)

Sinon: Oh good. The Greeks made the gods upset and Calchas (our stupid ass prophet) said that if they left they would never make it home. He told them that if they left some sort of gift they would be fine.
Oh..wait there was something else about the prophecy.
Oh yeah it had to be really big because if you took it inside the city somehow the Greeks would have their asses kicked by you later. Also if you harm the horse in anyway then you will be cursed.

Trojans: So um -wait how did you hear all this stuff I thought you ran off?

Sinon: Well no...um..not quite...I...hid in a...um hid in a mud puddle. Yes a mud puddle.

Trojans: Sounds legit.

Laccoon (a Trojan): Bullshiticus. I didn't trust the Greeks before and I don't trust them now. This horse thing is fishy- not in a literal sense but rather in a figurative one meaning that I think this is exactly the sort of ruse that corn-chowder head Ulysses would think up.
(Lacoon chucks his spear at the horse and suddenly he and his two sons are horrifically devoured by gargantuan snakes that appear from nowhere)

Trojans: That wasn't weird at all. It was not at all strange that the only person to speak out about this horse statue suddenly died an awful death.

Sinon: Nope. Not weird. Snakes devouring people and their children - happens all the time. Hey and - yeah! It is probably because he threw his spear at the horse! He harmed it so he was cursed...scary amirite?

Trojans: Oh gods! You are right. Let's get this statue in here pronto.

Thusly were the Trojans unfortunately vanquished.


*PS and also:
This story is a slightly bowdlerized chunk from Virgil's Aeneid. If you haven't read the Aeneid you are missing out on all kinds of great stuff like a bleeding tree.
 In other news- my copy of the Aeneid is in shambles and drowning in post-its. I am pretty sure I got it from the up for grabs in the first place and it is in about three pieces.

(1) Photo Credit: Mary Harrsch  Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
(2) Photo Credit: Dan Diffendale Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)