Friday, February 28, 2014

Seize the Absurd Writes some Children's books.

I have always wanted to write children's books.
I get about two sentences into writing them and then I stop - I will share them with you anyway.

1. The Iphone and the Whale

2.  "I am hungry"
"I am hungry" - said the black hole. It ate a nearby solar system, a comet, and an alien named Christoph. It was still hungry. 
It ate a universe. It ate a parallel universe. Is that even possible? 
Whatever - It was still hungry...

3. The princess and the social media snafu. 
Exactly what it says. Next.

4. And the Layer Cake's Name was Joaquin.
Why would the master baker at Creme de la Creme make a cake as boring as Joaquin? Has the baker completely lost his marzipan? All the other fabulously decorated cakes tell Joaquin that he doesn't belong. Is it true?

5. The Pickles and the Peanut Butter.
One day Alex decides to make her own lunch. Her peanut butter pickle sandwich causes a stir in the school cafeteria. Alex is instantly a school wide celebrity. Everybody knows her name and she basks in the elementary school glory.
 Pretty soon though, all the kids are eating revolting food combinations- bologna and strawberry jam and chocolate chip tuna- YUCK. After a few days Alex isn't so sure that she wants to keep eating weird food - the thought of a peanut butter pickle sandwich is making her downright queasy. 

Self Help books for kids- and anxiously success oriented parents:

Baby Harvard Business Series: "Graham Cracker Tycoon" 
Through investment, financial analysis, and stealing I acquired 90% of today's daycare snack material. You can too.
Ready to be in the top percentage of apple juice holders? Read this book and learn how to amass a bland snack empire.

Ready Set - 99.9th percentile -Prepare Your Baby for Standardized Testing. 
Welcome new human beings! Our society bases a person's value on numbers from a scantron machine. Yesterday is the time to get ready for the SAT, ACT, GRE, MCAT, LSAT, and HAZMAT .  
Featuring reading comprehension questions for babies like the following: 
         Which one of the following best expresses the intent of the passage from goodnight moon?
               (A) Saying goodnight to a gazillion inanimate objects helps the bunny drift into                                           unconsciousness.
               (B) The old lady whispering hush is frustrated with the little bunny.
               (C) Since when do bunnies own cats?
               (D) Mush is this bunny's favorite bedtime snack.
Order today and receive a giant number two pencil.

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