This week for school we read Emma as a result this post sprang from my head like Athena from the cranium of Zeus.
Several reasons why living in Jane Austen’s Emma would kill me (and ruin the novel):
- Clothes.Look at those dresses and bonnets and crap. You couldn't even get away if you were a dude, even the guys had to wear fancy frilly stuffs.
- Nobody ever says what they mean.You can't really tell whether or not anyone actually likes you from what they say so you have to watch everyone's behavior like a dramatic teenage girl with hawk/x-ray vision. Leading to continual guesswork about what motive might be behind each persons slightest action. Example: Mr. Knightly seemed overly concerned with Miss Farifax's health at the party last night- EGAD! Is he in love?!?...Girls spend a lot of time doing this anyway, thus they love Jane Austen.
- One's character is determined by their style of handwriting and ability to write letters.Let it be known that if I had to distinguish myself as an intelligent and educated person through personal letters, it would not work out for me.If I wrote a letter to my sister Grace it would probably go like this:Dear Grace,We are related.Love and other mushy stuff,LizP.S. This postcard is of the Easter Island heads. Isn't it really fun that ancient people went through a bunch of effort just to cuss with us? I can picture one Druid hard at work on Stonehenge saying to himself with great joy: “this will cuss with them forever”.
As you can see I have distinguished myself as a gentlewoman through copious swears.
- Every time Mrs. Elton calls Mr. Elton her “Lord and Master” I would barf.
Thus it is manifest that upon being trapped as a character in Emma I would go bat-cuss-crazy as is depicted in the following destruction of a tea party.
Congratulations Jane Austen! everyone does actually want to hear about your weird sexual fantasies. However, I think I will stay right here thank you very much.
On a slightly related note:
I believe that a dramatic teenage girl who was given hawk/x-ray vision would make the following statements:
“My name is written on the boy's bathroom stalls at least four times. I think that guarantees that I am the most popular person at school. The homecoming crown is MINE.”
“all the benefits of x-ray vision are useless at Abercrombie and Fitch.”