Sunday, September 16, 2012


This week for school we read Emma as a result this post sprang from my head like Athena from the cranium of Zeus.

Several reasons why living in Jane Austen’s Emma would kill me (and ruin the novel):
  1. Clothes.
    Look at those dresses and bonnets and crap. You couldn't even get away if you were a dude, even the guys had to wear fancy frilly stuffs.
  2. Nobody ever says what they mean.
    You can't really tell whether or not anyone actually likes you from what they say so you have to watch everyone's behavior like a dramatic teenage girl with hawk/x-ray vision. Leading to continual guesswork about what motive might be behind each persons slightest action. Example: Mr. Knightly seemed overly concerned with Miss Farifax's health at the party last night- EGAD! Is he in love?!?... 
    Girls spend a lot of time doing this anyway, thus they love Jane Austen.

  3. One's character is determined by their style of handwriting and ability to write letters.
    Let it be known that if I had to distinguish myself as an intelligent and educated person through personal letters, it would not work out for me.
    If I wrote a letter to my sister Grace it would probably go like this:

    Dear Grace,
      We are related.
        Love and other mushy stuff,

          P.S. This postcard is of the Easter Island heads. Isn't it really fun that ancient people went through a bunch of effort just to cuss with us? I can picture one Druid hard at work on Stonehenge saying to himself with great joy: “this will cuss with them forever”.
As you can see I have distinguished myself as a gentlewoman through copious swears.

  1. Every time Mrs. Elton calls Mr. Elton her “Lord and Master” I would barf.

Thus it is manifest that upon being trapped as a character in Emma I would go bat-cuss-crazy as is depicted in the following destruction of a tea party.

In conclusion:
Congratulations Jane Austen! everyone does actually want to hear about your weird sexual fantasies. However, I think I will stay right here thank you very much.

On a slightly related note:
I believe that a dramatic teenage girl who was given hawk/x-ray vision would make the following statements:

“My name is written on the boy's bathroom stalls at least four times. I think that guarantees that I am the most popular person at school. The homecoming crown is MINE.”

“all the benefits of x-ray vision are useless at Abercrombie and Fitch.”

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