Monday, October 14, 2013

I am the creepy runner.

I like to run. Running defends me from having a spaz attack of hyper-active energy. It also provides the illusion that I might be fending off the stream of calories coming at me from my steady diet of goldfish crackers and kraft mac and cheese.
Every morning I run pretty much the same route and end up at the same ending point at pretty much the same time. I am a creature of habit. I loathe change.
Now this ending point that I appear at around 8 am each morning happens to be an elementary school. At around 8 there are a couple of late children and parents trickling in and a couple of teachers outside waiting for them. This little school is a charter and it doesn't have any fences or gates so I walk right through the front of it. 
      It occurred to me a little while ago that I am a large, hostile looking person who appears at an elementary school everyday at precisely the same time. Conveniently, I also appear at a time when I can see kids go into the school. It dawned on me that behavior has a hint of stalker-y with a little tint of total creeper - but I said to myself, "Listen, self, you aren't doing anything wrong. It isn't your fault that you are gargantuan and odd looking. You are free to run wherever the crap you want to without being suspected of having a criminal record.
      On Friday I got to the end of my run and stopped. 

I noticed that there were two women standing outside. One of them I had seen many times before, she was a principal or something. Today there was another larger "could-totally-take-me-in-a-fight" sized woman.
Both of them looked at me. 
They looked at each other. 
They glared at me simultaneously. 

I pretended not to noticed that, made a right angled turn and started walking off as normally as possible. 
The more intimidating chick started to follow me.
"It may be -" I thought, "that we are just walking in the same direction."
We were not just walking in the same direction. 
I turned around. 
I made my least creepy face. 
It made me look creepy-er.

Many potential scenarios flashed rapidly through my mind- 
"What are you doing here everyday?" she might ask - I am running I might say. I could say that I live right by here...wait no then she could look around, find me and beat me up..."

She said: 

Issues in the lives tall people: sometimes when you think that someone is going to come up and accuse you of being a sex-offender they invite you to be on a women's basketball team instead.

On a slightly related note I have also made this (chart? diagram?) thing regarding how I feel when I am running I have good days and I have bad days. I also have many other kinds of days - as described here: 

Okay OKAY! Fine the Greeks who are running around in those funeral games are not gods - whatever they are called godlike no-less than five thousand times so I am close enough. 


  1. So did you join the basketball team?

  2. This was hilarious. I loved the story and I loved the diagram. I must drop by more often...