Seize the Absurd Writes some Children's books.

I have always wanted to write children's books.

I get about two sentences into writing them and then I stop - I will share them with you anyway.

1. The Iphone and the Whale

2.  "I am hungry"

"I am hungry" - said the black hole. It ate a nearby solar system, a comet, and an alien named Christoph. It was still hungry. 

It ate a universe. It ate a parallel universe. Is that even possible? 

Whatever - It was still hungry...

3. The princess and the social media snafu. 

Exactly what it says. Next.

4. And the Layer Cake's Name was Joaquin.

Why would the master baker at Creme de la Creme make a cake as boring as Joaquin? Has the baker completely lost his marzipan? All the other fabulously decorated cakes tell Joaquin that he doesn't belong. Is it true?

5. The Pickles and the Peanut Butter.

One day Alex decides to make her own lunch. Her peanut butter pickle sandwich causes a stir in the school cafeteria. Alex is instantly a school wide celebrity. Everybody knows her name and she basks in the elementary school glory.

 Pretty soon though, all the kids are eating revolting food combinations- bologna and strawberry jam and chocolate chip tuna- YUCK. After a few days Alex isn't so sure that she wants to keep eating weird food - the thought of a peanut butter pickle sandwich is making her downright queasy. 

Self Help books for kids- and anxiously success oriented parents:

Baby Harvard Business Series: "Graham Cracker Tycoon" 

Through investment, financial analysis, and stealing I acquired 90% of today's daycare snack material. You can too.

Ready to be in the top percentage of apple juice holders? Read this book and learn how to amass a bland snack empire.

Ready Set - 99.9th percentile -Prepare Your Baby for Standardized Testing. 

Welcome new human beings! Our society bases a person's value on numbers from a scantron machine. Yesterday is the time to get ready for the SAT, ACT, GRE, MCAT, LSAT, and HAZMAT .  

Featuring reading comprehension questions for babies like the following: 

         Which one of the following best expresses the intent of the passage from goodnight moon?

               (A) Saying goodnight to a gazillion inanimate objects helps the bunny drift into                                           unconsciousness.

               (B) The old lady whispering hush is frustrated with the little bunny.

               (C) Since when do bunnies own cats?

               (D) Mush is this bunny's favorite bedtime snack.

Order today and receive a giant number two pencil.

The Greatest Love Story

It's Valentine's Day so I get to tell you my favorite love story.

Once upon a time a bunch of Greek men were all sitting around together being drunk and having a speech competition.*

The subject of the speech competition was love. 

Some people had given beautiful, rational, speeches about love - any of which would have put a decent person to sleep on the spot. 

Finally it was Aristophanes' turn. Some were worried that he would not be very serious because he was a comic playwright. To them he said, " I am not worried about saying something funny in my coming oration. That would be pure profit, and it comes with the territory of my Muse. What I'm worried about is that I might say something ridiculous." 

He did say something ridiculous. 

Something ridiculously false and absurdly true all at the same time. 

And it went something like this: 

Long ago human beings were very different. First off there were three kinds of people - male, female and androgynous. Secondly, they were fantastically odd looking. The shape of each person was completely round, with back and sides in a circle; they had four arms and legs and one head with two faces. They had two sets of reproductive organs and ears and eyeballs and....you get it. They walked around and whenever they wanted to go fast, they stuck out all their eight limbs, and flipped head over heels, the way gymnasts do cartwheels. They were terribly fast at this - and it was quite dangerous because they charged everywhere like bowling balls.

They were round because they were descended from the heavenly bodies. Like the heavenly bodies they were powerful but unlike the heavenly bodies they were terribly behaved. They decided to attack the gods.

          Zeus and the other gods had a family meeting to speak about what could be done. On the one hand, the gods wanted to keep humanity around because they liked the sacrifices given to them. On the other hand, the human beings were attacking heaven so something had to be done to stop them. 

          Zeus said, "Hey other deities, I have a plan to put the kibosh on the misbehaving human beings. It does not even involve killing them off. I will simply blast them all in half. They will not be as strong and they will walk around on two legs instead of spinning about and making everyone dizzy. If they still run around idiotically and cause problems - I will split them in half yet again and they will have to get about by hopping around on one leg." 

        Zeus didn't wait for anyone else to agree with his plan because he did whatever he wanted anyway - so he just whacked them in half right then like fruit ninja. Apollo was given the job of sewing them up a bit but he got lazy around the middle so we have bellybuttons.

        But the human beings were so utterly distraught and alone without their opposite halves that they just lay around everywhere holding each other and dying of starvation. Zeus felt sorry for them because they were so pitiful. He solved their problem by flipping their reproductive organs round to the front so that they could have sex and be one person again.

And Aristophanes summed up his story about the origin of love by saying:  "So this is where love comes from, love calls the halves of our original nature back together and it tries to make one out of two and heal up our terrible alone-ness. love is the name for our pursuit of wholeness and our desire to be complete. Also we should behave ourselves if we don't want to end up half-faced creatures who get about by hopping on one leg. Let us respect the gods because it would be awful to have half a nose."

And what he said was obviously false and profoundly true.

(*this story comes from Plato's Symposium, I have bowdlerized it somewhat - and cut out some chunks because it is very lengthy. I am too lazy to cite every quotation but you can find the beginning of it at 189a)

An Aristophanes Valentine - what everybody has been waiting for.

If we only had one leg and we hopped about on it - would we also have half a butt?

I think that we would.

For some reason I find the one-legged hopping thing hilarious.

And also these additional valentines which I made this morning instead of studying:

Feb -RU-ary. Brew? Brew what? Beer? A magic potion? Stupid month.

Through extensive research I have discovered some possible alternative names for the month of February - for example some Old English terms for this month are: "solmonath" (meaning: mud month) and "Kalemonath" (meaning month of cabbage). A month named after kale! Health-nuts rejoice!

 No really. This could also be captioned "together forever". Not even that "get the legos apart without using your teeth machine" will fix this issue.
 Who likes my computer mouse painted hearts?

Another Lego Valentine because yes.
My thumb is in this picture because I am too lazy to crop it.

Doing great on that forth section.

Jury duty was unexpectedly cool. Part 3

Now that I have lured you into this triad of posts with jokes.

If you look up jury duty online you will find a million articles entitled:

How do I avoid Jury duty?
Here is my answer: Reconsider some crap and have an attitude adjustment. 

   According to my childhood the phrase "attitude adjustment" is usually indicator for the fact that you are about to be hit by a parental unit and or friend of the family who is close enough that they are not willing for you to grow up to be a snotbratturdrocket. If you are lacking in parental units willing to smack you up-side the head ask a close friend for help[1]
     What you should do is not be attempting to avoid jury duty. A significant number of people in California do not respond to jury summons. It seems to be something close to a judicial apathy epidemic. The consistent jury dodging of citizens has resulted in courts stepping up their penalty game for no-show jurors. But punishment isn't why you should go. 
 "But Liz you didn't start off with a great attitude. If I remember correctly you started off livid that you were stuck on a jury and you proceeded to be inclined towards irresponsible and immature behavior[2] ." 
True, I did not start off with a phenomenal attitude and of that I am not proud. But I changed my attitude, hence the word "adjustment". I imagine that if you are put on a week long jury that you won't start off so happy, but by the end of it you might remember what I am saying here.

Yes but…[3]

I have some important excuses:
   I have a life. Yes. Yes you do. Dead people do not have to report for jury duty. The courts are considerate like that.
   I have a job.  you get to participate in the the justice system which was created for your benefit and works to your benefit everyday whether you notice it or not.
   This is boring. Some of it is. We spent a significant chunk of a day looking through someones pay stubs. I hate pay stubs. I don't look at my own pay stubs. That is boring. But these pay stubs factor into a bigger, important question, "Does this person owe that person 500,000 dollars?" That's a life altering question for these two people. That is a question that they have been waiting for three years to get an answer to. That is something that you do not get to be bored about.
   I don't like America. America kills innocent people, puts dictators in power and is generally considered the military bully of the world. We hold political prisoners in a fashion frowned upon by those concerned with justice and we excel at sticking members of our society into prisons.
Do you see the difference between the second and third sentences? Hint it involves the word "we". Am I solely responsible for these things? No. But I am as a citizen of this country a part of the problem, the solution, and the apathy which turns our problems to stone.
There are things that I don't like about America. That's why we serve to make this a better place.

Next time you get that summons letter, think about the opportunities you have: 

1. Serve. Power is easy, even Machiavelli can work with that. It might be hard to get but it sure is easy to want. When was the last time you wanted to serve? Why do you think the world is impressed with Pope Francis? Because the man wants to serve, even more than that, he lives to serve.
Here you are in a room full of random people with the opportunity to practice service and wanting to serve.

2. You have the opportunity to devote your time to help other people make important decisions. Other people have done the work of collecting evidence and excluding evidence that they believe is unfounded and might -bias your opinion. You get to sit here listen to stuff and help with a decision. Congrats.

3. Law is something that we benefit from constantly and pay no attention to. Yes there are certain laws that you don't agree with. But isn't it nice that if I hit you with my car we can settle these issues without a Hatfield and McCoy status family feud? Having certain rules that govern our society is a good thing. What an old person thing to say. I think I might be getting old.

4. Trial by jury is intended to protect individuals from the power of the government. It also gives people the opportunity to have a decision made by some average people. Judges do not exactly qualify as average people - in terms of income, education, or experience. You get to be in a group of average people - hopefully with a limited amount of bias but a wide variety of experience.

---

[1] Actually I am pretty sure that that if you have good friends and you say, "I feel this way but I should not." Your good friends (who have read Nicomachean Ethics, of course) will tell you, "feeling inclinations towards bad things, is a bad sign. You need to get your virtue together by not acting on those inclinations."

One of the other jurors said that they did not believe the character witnesses were really telling the truth. The other juror said something like: “Well I know my friends would lie for me – so.”

And I was like, “Oh... My friends wouldn't.” 

"I have better friends." I thought.  

[2] I would like to point out that "inclined to" and "acting on" are fortunately not the same thing. Though I did once jokingly hit myself in the face with the juror notebook while some sort of drama involving confusion between the words "snorkel" and "norco" held the attention of the judge, lawyers, and various witnesses. The aforementioned notebook was an important part of my week. We were at some point thanked by one of the lawyers for taking diligent notes. He was unaware that a substantial quantity of my note taking involved me writing out things  like: "yes we get your point already" and "this does not show what Lawyer 1 is claiming that it shows" and "objection. Profound jury suffering at the hands of this lawyers abominable rhetoric...your honor"

[3] "Yes but..." Is the most devious way of saying, "I agree with you ...but actually I don't" or "I am going to start out all subservient in an attempt to dupe you and then do whatever I want".  

Jury Duty was Unexpectedly Cool : Part 2

Anyway after lunch on that first day we took an oath.
Boom. Jurored.
For awhile I was in a funk and probably making a distinctly grumpy face as I wondered why so much karma had lined up to hit me in the face of late.
As my self-pity fog lifted I started to actually notice things.

About the case:
There was a car accident. The plaintiff was in a Toyota that got hit by a Bentley. The plaintiff was suing for a good chunk of money.The majority of the jury ended up thinking that the plaintiff was a ton of hooey. They thought she saw a Bentley, decided she could sue for a bunch of money, and went about seeing doctors to build a case.

Other more different observations about life on a jury:
1. My first reaction to anything that I am forced to do is to revert to High School behavioral patterns.
 It felt kind of like high school. You have to be here on time and sit here and listen to things. You do the things told you by a person who has a better chair and decides when you get to go to the bathroom[1].
Unfortunately my response to these aspects in high school was to be a complete goof. So when forced into a similar situation I found myself inclined towards being a complete goof yet again.

I didn't actually but I was tempted to.
The seriousness of a situation and the amount of decorum (mental fortitude for not cracking jokes) that I posses are inversely proportional.

2. Team Jury - suffering makes rapid friends. I have always found it easier to get to know people while on a sports team. Shared suffering makes a good conversation starter. Also they are the only people you recognize in a building full of marble and lawyers.
Fellow jury members: "Duuude."

Me: "Duuuude"[2]

3. Never ever sign things under penalty of perjury without reading them.

4. You don't get to say anything.
This is hard for me. I have been in discussion only classrooms for six years. Listening to somebody speak without being able to say, "I disagree with that because..." nearly killed me.
I am still stunned by any situation in which I cannot say, "Explain what you mean by that."
You don't even get to throw your notebook at lawyers who use "per se" incorrectly.

5. The Judge was not an old roundish dude with white hair.
 She did not even have white hair.
The Judge said good morning to me one time and I just sort of stared at her like a deer in the headlights.
Me : Is she talking to me?
Me: Yes
Me: What am I supposed to do? 
Me: Well idiot, when people say good morning to you then you usually say "good morning" back to them. Throw a "your honor" in there because you kept making eye contact with other jurors and cracking them up - so it wouldn't hurt to be respectful. 
(out loud)
ME: "Hi?"

      Everyone in the jury box gets to spend an exceptional amount of time staring at the people involved in the case. It's like watching a TV show for six hours a day that only has five people on it- the judge, two lawyers and the two defendants. Minor characters come and go. You quickly become attuned to people's peculiar facial expressions and habits. For example, the plaintiffs lawyer looked near tears or fury on a constant basis.

6. The Stanley Mosk Courthouse has an "interesting" architectural design.
This design involves having no windows so when the judge dismissed us for an afternoon break I went in search of the outside to be reminded what it looked like. No problem I can get back in time.
Except it turned out that there was a set of elevators and escalators that did not go to the 7th floor at all. And so I half ran around the building while lawyers gave me funny looks.
Later in the week I was telling this story to some fellow jurors as we came back from lunch.
I said, "...and then I got totally lost in here, because I'm smart like that."
And a lawyer walking ahead of us who was not even in the conversation started laughing at me.
He looked at me and said, "This building was built in stages."
"Stages," I said, "is the right word for it."
You know life is going well when random lawyers stop to laugh at you.

7. "Will Juror for candy" [3]

There was candy in a bowl in the juror room. I am pretty sure that the candy was 99.9% responsible for the lack of juror rebellion. The other little bit being that tiny issue of contempt of court. AND the other serious incentive to show up promptly: if you were late all the other jury members sat in the deliberation room and talked smack about you.

8. The foreman of the jury will probably not allow you to send your important but off topic questions to the judge.
No one would let me send any Kookaburra Song  related questions to the Judge.
I was also not allowed to ask: "Why does the word "juror" make people sound like they are mumbling?"
The Foreman for some reason would not let me ask any of these questions.
Instead he let some other people ask a question and he made me write it out because my penmanship is legible. O the injustices!

When are you going to get serious.
In the next post this one is too long now.

---

[1] In relevant news I had a lawyer for AP government and she drew up nearly legal documents for bathroom passes. The bathroom passes had very specific rules and prohibitions written on them in tiny print. Stuff like: "I am going to the bathroom and not anywhere else. Once in the bathroom I will not commit illegal actions involving drug substances and or elicit actions that would get me expelled from this institution of secondary learning. I understand that each student in this class has received one and exactly one restroom pass for this semester. I understand if I use this bathroom pass during this semester I will NOT get another one under any circumstances. Trading or donating restroom passes to other individuals is not allowed." Ect. ect. and you had to sign them.

[2] Thank god we all speak Californian.

Non Californian readers let me help you out.  “Dude” is an exceptionally versatile word and its intended meaning really depends on how you pronounce it. Phonetically I am unsure how to represent it properly but I can tell you that in this case “duuude” is intended to mean “not cool”. Though in other circumstances it can mean "What is up? I had five beers, went surfing, and kissed a shark." 

Everyone stop and think about how many times I have just said "dude" out loud while trying to figure this out. Mayhaps I will write a linguistic treatise. 

[3] I turned juror into a verb. I do what I want. Also “Will be on a jury for candy” does not have the same ring to it.

Jury duty was Unexpectedly Cool Part 1

Jury Duty the Saga[1]

This is a post all about how - I got put on a jury at the Stanley Mosk Courthouse in LA and ended up liking it.
Hold the phone.
Yes. liking it. At the end of my week long stint as a Juror I felt that it was a worthwhile use of my time. I had a significant attitude change and I want to tell you about it.


Before I started I went to Google to check out how many other people wrote articles about jury duty being a neat thing. So I started off by typing in "Jury duty is".

It seems that jury duty might not be everyone's favorite thing.
Also let's all try to ignore the headline right below that. 
No wait lets not ignore that...what the what?!?
I foresee some legal problems for Georgia's legal system.

Civic duty? You?...You liked it?
Why? How? What kind of permanent brain damage would lead you to form this opinion? Did you land smack on your head while trying to do a flip off a swing set as a child?

It is a long story hold tight.
Also I think the best jokes are in the footnotes.

Jury Duty: In the beginning was a summons.

The automated phone message said: "Juror number_ 1235278 you need to report to the _ Stanley Mosk Courthouse on _ Wednesday January 8th 2014 at_ 9 AM". 

Boogers. My luck has run out.

Okay I will go down there. It won't be that bad.

Sit there all day - maybe get some blog work done using the wi-fi and go home. Maybe I will finish that paper on Platonic Dialogues that I have been meaning to get to. [2]

I mean I am not going to get put on a jury or anything right?

I am too young to be on a jury. None of my friends have been on juries - so - I can't be on one. 

          Examining this chain of thought might lead you to believe that I have never been trained in formal logic. That conclusion would be false. I have in fact studied an unpleasant quantity of formal logic (Barbara, Celarent, Darii, Ferio, BAM) however, it appears that I have not allowed this training to effect my day to day thinking ability. 

Thus I entered the jury pool with no exception of being put on a jury whatsoever.

Imagine my surprise when, ten minutes after getting there, my name was called out on a loudspeaker and I was sent up to the 7th floor courtroom 73 with about 20 other grumbling people.
The court clerk said: "Welcome to court 73. Our Judge is Elizabeth R Feffer. Put your cell phones on silent. We haven't had a cell phone ring in court for months and I want to keep it that way."
After she let us in someone's cell phone rang.
It was Nirvana.
I am pretty sure the only thing that stopped the clerk from killing him was that the judge was sitting right there. 

Twelve other people are called up to the jury box and they answer a litany of questions.
I am good. Cool.

Not good. One of the potential jurors says that there is no way he can possibly examine the evidence and make a fair judgment ...because he had jam for breakfast... or he was once a lawyer and his fairness ability has deteriorated.[3]

And he is excused. Not good.

The clerk calls a new name, “Elizabeth Rosema”.

That’s my name. This is not happening to me. I intelligently leave my backpack behind as I go sit in the jury box.

Her honor begins to ask me questions. I stumble through them like I have recently been tasered.

Me: “No I have not been on a jury before.” What is…what…is going on?

Her Honor: “Do you think that you can judge fairly between these two parties in the case before you?”

Me: “Yes.” Time moves slow motion.

After I tripped idiotically through the judges questions the lawyers got to ask me questions.

Plaintiffs lawyer: “You said that you were teaching?”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “Are you getting your credential?”

Me: “No.”

Him: “What do you want to do? What are your plans for the future?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

... 

Me quietly: “I am a cartoonist.”

Thought rant:

What is this a job interview? I don’t have to tell you about my career or lack thereof. This lawyer just signed and sealed my life into the “deadbeats” pile. I have questions for him. 

(These questions are more fun if you read them quickly and angrily)

Who were Dante’s guides in the Divine Comedy? I bet even IF you have read it you still miss St. Bernard. Which famous character in the Iliad is Aeneas related to? What is a point without location? Why is Descartes “Geometry” called a Geometry even though it lays down the fundamentals of what we usually think of as Algebra? What is calculus? Do you even know what an epicycle is? 

What... you don't know? Who is the deadbeat now?

He accepts me into the jury as sufficiently stupid.

---

[1] Literary Critic: “Liz a ‘saga’ is a story told about ancient Scandinavian and Germanic history. Sagas are written in Old Norse. Are you going to write this in Old Norse? I don’t think so. Your use of literary terms is appalling.”

Liz: “ Oh… okay thanks for that. Could you just tell me your address so I can send you a complementary Nobel prize for Literature? NOT. Also who resembles an ancient Scandinavian warrior person more than yours truly? I am white and blondish – not to mention being a part of the National Society for People Too Tall for Heels. I personally think I would do better in life if we lived in an age where I could just fight people and win or die.”

[2] Yes I actually brought the Complete Works of Plato with me. I swear it under penalty of perjury.

Socrates: You were grouching about civic duty while in possession of a collection of my dialogues? Do you even remember the Crito?

Me: I do. You were on the verge of execution and your buddies came up and said, “Dude you don’t need to chug that hemlock. We can spring you from this dump for sure.”

Socrates: And then I talk about law and the importance of obeying it and what I owe in terms of civic duty - which includes obedience to the law even if it involves my death.

Me: That’s a little intense man. Also I am not from Athens. Solon shmolon.

Socrates: You shirking civic duties is the worst. This is the worst dialogue ever. Interlocutors are supposed to say, “Yes”, “Indeed”, and “By the gods Socrates!”

Me: Indeed.

[3] Tip: This person is generally despised by other jurors. Everyone here is capable of saying, “No I do not think I can consider the case before me and judge fairly between these two parties.” We could say that and be Scott free. We don’t say that, however, because it isn't true. BUT if you are the kind of person who is willing to say this sort of thing – then you probably shouldn't be allowed on a jury anyway.

[4] This is a footnote to nothing. The computer just tried to spell-check Crito to Frito. 

Breakfast of Champions - all about Graham Crackers

Yes today's cartoon is about what I had for breakfast.
What do you mean that my live theme song is "never grow up"?

Anyway my sudden rekindled love of graham crackers led me to wonder why they were called graham crakers -
( This flame for bland substances reigned when I was about four. I remember graham crackers and apple juice were as popular with pre-school kids as kegs are with college students.)

Today's very unexpected headline:

        Graham Crackers and Sex. 

 They were invented by a Presbyterian minister named Sylvester Graham. He aimed to suppress carnal urges through boring diets. The world is a strange place.

Also I now feel that there should be a thing of stuffing graham crackers in the faces of eros crazed people:
Friend 1: "I am head-over-heels-stupid-in-love. I am over the moon. She is so hot."
Friend 2: "Calm down. Have a graham cracker."
                "Think about what it costs to get a divorce."

Questions about this are forthcoming - If chocolate is supposed to increase libido and graham crackers are supposed to stamp it out then are smores a confusing food substance?

Laugh Kookaburra Laugh

For some reason I feel like giving this a thesis title.

BEHOLD:

 An examination of important connotations and questions about Australian fauna and wildlife which arise from the well-known children's ditty entitled the "kookaburra song": or in other words "why is this square headed bird the king of the bush?"  

And this picture I drew - which depicts a kookaburra with a purple Mohawk for some unknown reason.
 In case you forgot the words to this timeless classic they are here. You can be reminded of a song that you were very confused about because you had no experience of most of the nouns in question - except monkeys.

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree,

Merry merry king of the bush is he.

Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra,

Gay your life must be!

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Eating all the gumdrops he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop, Kookaburra

Leave some there for me.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree,

Counting all the monkeys he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop, Kookaburra,

That's no monkey, that's me.

Let the barrage of questions commence:
1. Does the kookaburra laugh?

holy crap that would be a yes.
Yes they laugh. They laugh creepily. Why am I watching these late at night I might not sleep.
He who laughs weirdest laughs less weird than the kookaburra.
2. What kind of laugh is it? Are they laughing at you or with you? They are chuckling about your midlife crisis.
3. Seeing as he is perpetually laughing should he not be dubbed "jester of the bush" rather than "king of the bush"? I don't know. That messes up the song's meter. Jester is too many syllables. Try to be considerate and understand the challenges facing children's song writers. Jeez.
4. What the cuss is a gum tree? Is it like maple syrup in any way or form?
It is supposed to be a eucalyptus tree. Kookaburras don't even eat eucalyptus tree gum -according to the infallible and intensive research I have just done on Wikipedia (which involved not even clicking on the Google search link but rather reading the tiny synopsis below it). All pending answers brought to you by the power of Google - long may it reign.
5. Seeing as it is not maple syrup in any way or form why would I want the kookaburra to leave some there for me? Do people eat it?
You would not want to eat it. It won't kill you, but it will make you ill-ish. It will kill your cat. Eucalyptus hates cats.
6. Kolas eat it. I can eat it too. Those are not questions. Kolas have developed weird digestive superpowers which allow them to consume strange toxins - because Australia is a mean place like that and to survive you must be able to ingest unhealthy quantities of toxins - much like a frat party.
7. Why do Australians insist on using strange words that present phonemic and spelling challenges? Kookaburra, eucalyptus...who named this crap. There are all together too many consonants in a row in the word "eucalyptus".
8. What is it that the Kookaburra is counting seeing as there are not monkeys native to Australia? Are the monkeys a figment of his imagination? How did his ability to number objects arise? Does it count as counting if he is counting no monkeys because there are none of them?
And in response we shall offer this generic beginning to every academic essay: "For thousands of years literary analysts from varying cultures and backgrounds have pondered the meaning of the classic folk kookaburra song." blah blah..
The author of this classic song must have been pressed for time during this last verse here- her favorite tv show was about to come on or something.

No worries Kookaburra that's not a monkey. Not a figment of your imagination - it's me.