Those who are light of heart and not
dark of humor, this may not be the tale for you.
Remember this game?
So do I. So do my parents because
apparently when I was two I wanted to play it every night (and read
the story). This is not something I confess with any pride, how I
could like such a boring game I cannot fathom. Early indications of
lack of creativity I guess. My dad was also not a big fan of
Candy Land, so he put all the doubles on the top of the deck to make
the game go faster. I apparently never noticed this and was just
astounded at the good luck we had (again not one of my most shining
moments).
But anyway, here is a Candy Land story
with a morbid twist.
"Welcome to the Game, if you win, you live"
Once Upon a time, a little girl and boy sat at the dinner table sneering at their plates. They were named uninteresting names, Jack and Jill. This mundane fate was brought about as a result of their mother. A boring sort of woman who enjoyed tabloids, exclusively vegetable diets, and the color beige. Tonight was their least favorite dish, vegetarian casserole. In a very stereotypical fashion their mother had told them, “you have to sit there until you finish it” and then gone in the other room to watch TV.
JACK: “I am starving”
JILL: “me too”
JACK: “I know! While mom is gone we
can use the magic candy cane to transport ourselves to Candy land
where we will stuff ourselves with sugary goodness.”
The last time they had been in
Candy Land they ate themselves silly: drinking out of the chocolate
fudge bog, munching on the candy cane forest, chewing a pass through
some gumdrop mountains and generally acquiring diabetes. Their
travels through Candy Land were their fondest memories, Halloween
being a second runner up.
Well, Jack went to his room to get the
magic candy cane and when he came back they both held onto it and
said some magic words, (which were in Latin, as we know from harry
potter).
All of a sudden they were in a brightly
colored sugar paradise. They munched on various and sundry objects as
they walked down the brightly colored path.
They tiptoed past Plumpy, keeper of
the sugar-plums, because plums are fruit and they didn't like fruit
very much (even if it was sugared, unless it was fruit flavored corn
syrup).
When they came to the Candy Cane
Forest they stopped to walk around a bit. In a clearing up ahead they
saw a Candy Cane man swing his candy cane ax high in the air. It came
down swiftly, but instead of making the pleasant crack of candy cane
lumber, it made an odd squelchy thudding noise. As they neared the
clearing they discovered why. The candy cane man stood up on a
chopping block. He yelled “FORE”, and swung his ax like a golf
club, whacking a severed head.
It landed at their feet.
“GASP” said the little girl.
The candy cane man's head swung around
looking for the source of the noise, and then headed off into the
forest.
JACK: “way to go Jill... I think he's
looking for us.”
JILL: “ Sorry. I was freaked out! Did
you see that head? It was a kid, just like us. We better get out of
here.”
“…...PSSST....PSSSST...Hey” an
urgent voice whispered behind them. For a moment they were sure they
were doomed, they turned slowly to face their demise. But instead
they saw another boy trapped in a prison made of candy canes, “ I
overheard what you said, I am guessing it didn't go too well for
Billy. Help me out of here would ya?” he said. Jack always carried
a pocket knife because he was a strange and violent individual, so
they all took turns chipping away at the thick peppermint bars.
Meanwhile the boy, whose name was Tim,
attempted to bring them up to speed. The residents of Candy Land had
faced a steady onslaught of hungry children. The children ate the
peanut brittle house, and chunks of the kings castle, They gnawed a
path through the gumdrop mountains (“well actually that was us”
thought Jack), and they had chewed off Mr. Mint's legs which he had
to replace from the candy cane forest. The citizens decided that they
would get rid of the children in whatever way they could. They soon
discovered that children were as tasty to them, as candy was to
children. The only person in Candy Land who was not dangerous was a
loner named Lord Licorice, he had nothing against children because
they hate licorice and therefore left him and his castle alone. Tim
had been hoping that Lord Licorice would help them out, he had been
searching for the castle when he was captured by Mr. Mint.
They were almost finished cutting
through the candy cane jail bars, when they heard something coming
towards them. It was Mr. Mint coming for Tim.
JILL: “quick Jack, do you remember when you stuck that candy cane in my hair last Christmas and mom had to chop it out? Well, there's snow everywhere and its pretty wet...”
JILL: “quick Jack, do you remember when you stuck that candy cane in my hair last Christmas and mom had to chop it out? Well, there's snow everywhere and its pretty wet...”
They immediately put this plan into
action, they pelted Mr. Mint and the near by candy cane trees with
snow while narrowly avoiding the swing of his ax. Finally, jack
pushed him into some candy cane trees where he stuck. Tim kicked out
the bar, and all three of them ran off as fast as possible.
Moral of the story: excessive
amounts of health food may force your children to seek candy in
dangerous magical/cannibal lands.
Questions for group discussion:
How is it that Mr. Mint chops down candy cane trees with a candy cane
ax? This appears to be: a) ineffective if not b) impossible.
Maybe there will be further episodes of
this, maybe I will regret my morbid tenancies and not write anymore.
Maybe this is and aftershock of Halloween or a result of listening to Creedence Clearwater's “Bad
Moon Rising” which I am pretty sure is a perfect horror movie song.
Because its upbeat and creepy.
Here it is:
Skibbaty
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