Sunday, November 18, 2012

Killer Candy Land


Those who are light of heart and not dark of humor, this may not be the tale for you.
Remember this game?

So do I. So do my parents because apparently when I was two I wanted to play it every night (and read the story). This is not something I confess with any pride, how I could like such a boring game I cannot fathom. Early indications of lack of creativity I guess. My dad was also not a big fan of Candy Land, so he put all the doubles on the top of the deck to make the game go faster. I apparently never noticed this and was just astounded at the good luck we had (again not one of my most shining moments).
But anyway, here is a Candy Land story with a morbid twist.





"Welcome to the Game, if you win, you live"

        Once Upon a time, a little girl and boy sat at the dinner table sneering at their plates. They were named uninteresting names, Jack and Jill. This mundane fate was brought about as a result of their mother. A boring sort of woman who enjoyed tabloids, exclusively vegetable diets, and the color beige. Tonight was their least favorite dish, vegetarian casserole. In a very stereotypical fashion their mother had told them, “you have to sit there until you finish it” and then gone in the other room to watch TV.
JACK: “I am starving”
JILL: “me too”
JACK: “I know! While mom is gone we can use the magic candy cane to transport ourselves to Candy land where we will stuff ourselves with sugary goodness.”
          The last time they had been in Candy Land they ate themselves silly: drinking out of the chocolate fudge bog, munching on the candy cane forest, chewing a pass through some gumdrop mountains and generally acquiring diabetes. Their travels through Candy Land were their fondest memories, Halloween being a second runner up.
           Well, Jack went to his room to get the magic candy cane and when he came back they both held onto it and said some magic words, (which were in Latin, as we know from harry potter).
All of a sudden they were in a brightly colored sugar paradise. They munched on various and sundry objects as they walked down the brightly colored path.
            They tiptoed past Plumpy, keeper of the sugar-plums, because plums are fruit and they didn't like fruit very much (even if it was sugared, unless it was fruit flavored corn syrup).
           When they came to the Candy Cane Forest they stopped to walk around a bit. In a clearing up ahead they saw a Candy Cane man swing his candy cane ax high in the air. It came down swiftly, but instead of making the pleasant crack of candy cane lumber, it made an odd squelchy thudding noise. As they neared the clearing they discovered why. The candy cane man stood up on a chopping block. He yelled “FORE”, and swung his ax like a golf club, whacking a severed head.



It landed at their feet.
“GASP” said the little girl.
The candy cane man's head swung around looking for the source of the noise, and then headed off into the forest.
JACK: “way to go Jill... I think he's looking for us.”
JILL: “ Sorry. I was freaked out! Did you see that head? It was a kid, just like us. We better get out of here.”
“…...PSSST....PSSSST...Hey” an urgent voice whispered behind them. For a moment they were sure they were doomed, they turned slowly to face their demise. But instead they saw another boy trapped in a prison made of candy canes, “ I overheard what you said, I am guessing it didn't go too well for Billy. Help me out of here would ya?” he said. Jack always carried a pocket knife because he was a strange and violent individual, so they all took turns chipping away at the thick peppermint bars.
          Meanwhile the boy, whose name was Tim, attempted to bring them up to speed. The residents of Candy Land had faced a steady onslaught of hungry children. The children ate the peanut brittle house, and chunks of the kings castle, They gnawed a path through the gumdrop mountains (“well actually that was us” thought Jack), and they had chewed off Mr. Mint's legs which he had to replace from the candy cane forest. The citizens decided that they would get rid of the children in whatever way they could. They soon discovered that children were as tasty to them, as candy was to children. The only person in Candy Land who was not dangerous was a loner named Lord Licorice, he had nothing against children because they hate licorice and therefore left him and his castle alone. Tim had been hoping that Lord Licorice would help them out, he had been searching for the castle when he was captured by Mr. Mint.
        They were almost finished cutting through the candy cane jail bars, when they heard something coming towards them. It was Mr. Mint coming for Tim.
JILL: “quick Jack, do you remember when you stuck that candy cane in my hair last Christmas and mom had to chop it out? Well, there's snow everywhere and its pretty wet...”
They immediately put this plan into action, they pelted Mr. Mint and the near by candy cane trees with snow while narrowly avoiding the swing of his ax. Finally, jack pushed him into some candy cane trees where he stuck. Tim kicked out the bar, and all three of them ran off as fast as possible.

Moral of the story: excessive amounts of health food may force your children to seek candy in dangerous magical/cannibal lands.

Questions for group discussion: How is it that Mr. Mint chops down candy cane trees with a candy cane ax? This appears to be: a) ineffective if not b) impossible.

Maybe there will be further episodes of this, maybe I will regret my morbid tenancies and not write anymore. Maybe this is and aftershock of Halloween or a result of listening to Creedence Clearwater's “Bad Moon Rising” which I am pretty sure is a perfect horror movie song.
Because its upbeat and creepy.
Here it is:


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