Crayons

On the internet I once came across a glorious insult which was "gets less action than the white crayon".

However, action could be terrible for crayons - crayons get their heads scraped off by enthusiastic kindergartners. Imagine what it would be like to be a crayon.

Scenes of terror and trauma:

Thus, the white crayon is actually the luckiest. 

Here he gloats over the injured crayons that teased him previously:

Some other imaginary conversations between crayons:
Olive Green Shouts instructions to the other crayons in a Drill Sargent voice:

OLIVE GREEN : "That's the recess bell run for it!
Dear Lord Shocking Pink, why on earth are you running towards the Pencil Box ?!?
That is the worst place to hide! They should call her barbie pink, stupid as a...
Periwinkle! Hop to it!
You are the slowest cuss of a crayon I have ever seen in my life.
Hurry up! Get in the very back of the desk with all that stuff nobody cleans out till June."

SEA GREEN: " I'm not gonna make it Olive Green! I can't get there fast enough."

OLIVE GREEN: "Just jump off the desk and roll, roll, roll until you get under a cabinet or something!"

UNMELLOW YELLOW: "ugh! Olive green, it is dark back here and there is a rotting apple and a plethora of eraser bits."

OLIVE GREEN: "Shut your whiny mouth unless you want to participate in craft time and have your head scraped off by some first grader. I wouldn't see it as a loss you twit."

WISTERIA PURPLE: "Here is a chewed up pencil Molly lent to Timmy."

ROBIN'S EGG BLUE: "Never lend a pencil to Timmy. How ya doin' Steve?" (in other news every elementary school class has a Timmy.)

STEVE (the chewed up pencil): "Alright. Hideous as crap though...cussing Timmy."

These are real crayon color names, I have a box right here.

Sticking Random Words in Old Pop Songs.

Today Seize the Absurd would like to present a completely random comic that showcases my complete insanity:

So this song was popular like two years ago and for some reason it popped up in my head about a week ago.
Love the Way You Lie - Eminem and Rihanna
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. That's all riiiight..."

Just in case you don't remember the song here is a link to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U
So I am singing chunks of it the way you do with trashy pop that has welded itself to your subconscious
and then all of a sudden I started singing this :

"JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME CHURN" while envisioning a livid woman churning butter furiously. That Amish fellow isn't even helping.
For some reason singing this over and over again entertained me for a good hour and half.
Conclusion: I am stupid. But I will probably never be bored because I entertain myself with my own stupidity.

(this post is short because I am ill and busy but I have already started next week's and I am proud of it).

100 POSTS!

This is my 100th post- I have posted a total of 100 glorious, not-so-glorious, and meh times.
It is also my birthday, I have been writing Seize the Absurd for over a year.

Well- It is the birthday of Seize the Absurd.
Who is sometimes my name and sometimes the name of the blog I am not really sure which.
Anywho in celebration of our birthday (which actually was on Thursday June 27th, but whatever) I shall draw a party.

tada. Yes someone is wearing a traffic cone instead of a birthday hat. Yes someone is wearing a chicken instead of a birthday hat. Yes the Octopus made the cake.

Also I shall do blog whoring/ evangelizing:
I want you to help make Seize the Absurd a better blog!
entitled-

Its my party I will cry if I want to
While at work the other day I had a question:
Why is it so easy to complain and so difficult to compliment?

I was at work and I just started thinking: no matter how well I do this job no one is going to call customer service and say "Hey your employees do a great job and I love them!" but screw stuff up and they will be on the phone telling people how terrible you are in a heart beat.
I was angry about this and it felt unjust.
     a. I work hard and do well - no one cares. They say to themselves "Eh, that is what they are supposed to be doing."
     b.  I mess up - every one is on it like a Tyrannosaurus Rex on some goat bait in Jurassic Park.

Then I thought about it some more and I realized that I am a hypocrite- I do things like this all the time.
I saw that I do this same thing online (imgur) sometimes I see somebody's post, laugh and then just hit the next button and move on without up-voting it. WHY?!?! Why do you hate justice Liz? Liz it would literally take you 5 seconds to give somebody the credit they deserve for making your day a little brighter.

I  am one of those people who would go out of my way to complain about something but I am too busy to go out of my way to tell somebody they are doing a great job.
I am infuriated with myself.

Soooooo....
It has been a year- this blog takes a lot of work, and I am the entire yellow brick road away from being internet notable (even vaguely well known).
So if you enjoy Seize the Absurd please help me get the word out about it- tell somebody you know about it. Tell five somebodies you know about it.
I actually do not just write this so that my friends can remember what my terrible jokes are like.
Also it is really helpful to know if something is funny (comment! here or on Facebook)- I will go through life thinking "Well, that post was a complete flop!" unless someone tells me that they liked it. Maybe it was a complete flop- tell me why you didn't like it or how you think it could be better.

How Seize the Absurd? How shall we be missionaries for you throughout the world?
Don't worry friends I have made a list of suggestions for you:
 1. Share a post on facebook.
 2. Like a post on facebook.
 3. Leave a comment. Don't know how? Well I wrote a post about it: http://seizetheabsurd.blogspot.com/2012/12/comments-you-are-now-able-to-comment-on.html
4. Share on Reddit, Digg, Imgur, Stumble Upon, Twitter, Pinterest and any other social networking site           which you choose to spend all your time on.
5. Write someone a letter about it and mail it to them snail mail status in an attempt to provide some           business for the currently tanking US Postal service.
6. Put a letter in a bottle castaway style and let it float away on the ocean.
   crop circles etc. I would be grateful for any of it.

Also you can let me know in the comments if anyone actually does any of these things by commenting about it and I will thank you.

A Rant About Making Fried Eggs

This is a post about my college work study job which was to make made-to-order eggs at breakfast every morning.
Every morning at 6 AM making breakfast and doing fried eggs for three years.
I AM THE GOD OF FRIED EGGS.

In case you were sitting there thinking, who is the god of fried eggs again?
I am a reluctant god of fried eggs because I really hope that I will achieve something slightly more impressive with my life. I am a deity nonetheless.

A list of things supporting my claim to deity over the realm of all things fried egg:

1. I did the math- I have made:

eggs.
That is an estimated thirty seven thousand four hundred and forty fried eggs.
I am at the end there seriously questioning the purpose of my continued existence.

2. At school someone once toasted me for making them eggs (when the seniors graduate they have a huge number of parties at which everyone gives toasts to each other and says stuff like: "Hear, hear, I would like to toast so-and-so person for being awesome and tell them that I once borrowed their toothbrush. Cheers!"). Some one who I didn't know super well was toasting and I was surprised to hear my name come up. All of a sudden I was being toasted for making fried eggs.
I was a little disheartened by this - and it seemed to me that the greatest thing that I would ever do was make eggs.

3. My friends claim that they will have a joint wedding accompanied by a brunch reception at which I will make made to order eggs.

4. The librarian at school who is a quirky elderly lady always told me that I should be a short order cook after college, she thought maybe someday if I worked hard enough I just might get to be an In-n-out manager. 

Since I have worked in various cafeterias since the age of 12 it is my life goal NOT to work in a kitchen.

Every time she said that to me I thought the following: 

I AM ATTENDING COLLEGE RIGHT NOW SO THAT I MIGHT AT SOME POINT NEVER HAVE TO WORK IN A KITCHEN AGAIN. 

I AM IN FINANCIAL SLAVERY TO THE GOVERNMENT SO THAT I NEVER HAVE TO WORK IN A KITCHEN AGAIN.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SHORT ORDER COOK.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE AN IN-N-OUT MANAGER.

I WILL FIGHT AGAINST MY FOOD SERVICE ORIENTED FATE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

all that caps lock yelling felt great. Therapy via internet. 

Also somewhat false- I did not go to college to get a job...but I was still hoping for a better one.

5. I think that at school I was described more by the making of eggs than anything. 

Person 1: "so I was talking to Liz" 

Person 2: "which Liz?" (there were like a million )

Person 1: "egg making Liz." 

If you passed a quiz on what I was like around the school it would go like this:

How would you describe liz?

__ smart      __ funny      X  makes eggs   __ honest    __ dependable  __ Satan   __ waffle

Every one would check "makes eggs".

Oh well I am going to pretend that I was really awesome at it and threw plates of eggs Frisbee style while leaping ninja-ly in the air as depicted below.

With Liberty and Justice for Some.

With Liberty and Justice for the people to whom we feel like extending it.
I wrote a new version of my country 'tis of thee... which started out as a joke and then I tacked a potentially somewhat controversial tirade onto it so have fun.

Not-so-gleamingly patriotic jokes on the fourth of July?
Hell yes.
And this is why: being a patriot is not about supporting everything that this nation does and saying how wonderful it is.
1. When you love someone you don't allow them to do stupid crap. You don't walk around supporting their mistakes, you go up to them and say "You are not this person. You are better than this - I know that and that is why we are friends. Let's change this. I will help you in every way that I can." If you love America don't let it do stupid stuff- acknowledge the mistakes that this country has made. Ignorance is not bliss - it is a missed opportunity to correct mistakes. (I am referring specifically to our foreign policy here.)

2. No one is going to hand you freedom on a platter.
You are going to have to fight for it your entire life- even here in the US. This recent NSA fun times shows us that more than anything else. Some clever book store owners started putting the constitution beside Orwell's 1984 as a joke - but it is not really a joke. Remember remember - Tacitus' description of the "republic" that existed during the reign of Augustus and Tiberius? The Roman emperors held the senate there pretending that it was not a totalitarian state, "we are free...enough?" said the less observant. Tacitus says the Roman people reached such a state that they could not have governed themselves as a real republic even if they had wanted to, they became dependent on the emperors- the Romans had acquired a slave mentality. There is nothing more patriotic then defending the freedom and privacy of the citizens of the United States of America.

3. The most patriotic thing that I can think of right now :
On March 5th 1770 five Americans were shot by British Soldiers in what is called the Boston Massacre. In the face of American fury the lawyer and future president John Adams choose to defend the British Soldiers in court. John Adams ignored those who called him a traitor, because he believed that everyone had the right to a fair trial.


Today's overly preachy message brought to you by an abundance of "Let's not criticize America folks" posts on Facebook.

Also here is last year's fourth of July post which more lighthearted says fun stuff about "Americhina": http://seizetheabsurd.blogspot.com/2012/07/independence-day.html 

Pistachios are Like Love

Watch out Shakespeare - I am getting all poetical now making atrocious similes and utilizing literary terms.

Sarcasm.

(reference: http://seizetheabsurd.blogspot.com/2012/09/look-how-smart-i-am.html )