Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sinon - Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I feel like writing a mythology parody.
Who remembers the Greek's main man Sinon? He was the one who hung out by the huge wooden horse (holding the most bad-ass of all the Greek soldiers) and eventually convinced the Trojans to bring it in the city. He was a lying ass. 
The pictures have almost nothing to do with Sinon - they just break up the wordyness of this story a little.
This shit is cray. (1)
The Trojans are walking around outside the city generally dumbfounded by the fact that:
a. after 10 years of sticking around and fighting the Greeks just all of a sudden decided to leave
b. they left a huge statue of a horse
while they are busy contemplating these absurdities this random dude shows up

Sinon: Hey guys- woe is me! But who am I kidding? You are just going to murder me before you hear my story anyway since I am soooo unfortunate to have been born a Greek.

Trojans:Uh well we actually weren't just going to straight up kill you and we are all about stories so go ahead and tell us what happened.

Sinon: So sad. Such woe. Ulysses is such a big jerk. I mean we were all just so tired of camping (a weekend is long enough- amirte? and ten years on these stupid beaches! I haven't had a meal without sand in it in a decade) and we wanted to get out of here. But Calchas said the gods wanted a human sacrifice before they left and you know like usual they prefer virgins. We were plumb out of chick virgins so Ulysses volunteered me - punk! Anyway I managed to run off before they sacrificed me but now I will never see my family (sob)

Trojans: Well Gez that's just crappy - you know what? you can be one of us. Forget the Greeks they are clearly shity anyway. But um there's this one thing - what - why is there a huge wooden horse? I know they are weird but - wow.

Sinon: Well see I am not supposed to tell you.

Trojans: Please?

Sinon: Oh fine if you insist.Wait actually could you insist a little more?

Trojans: we insist.
"But Bro! If we are not going to fight naked why would we even bother?" (2)
Sinon: Oh good. The Greeks made the gods upset and Calchas (our stupid ass prophet) said that if they left they would never make it home. He told them that if they left some sort of gift they would be fine.
Oh..wait there was something else about the prophecy.
Oh yeah it had to be really big because if you took it inside the city somehow the Greeks would have their asses kicked by you later. Also if you harm the horse in anyway then you will be cursed.

Trojans: So um -wait how did you hear all this stuff I thought you ran off?

Sinon: Well quite...I...hid in hid in a mud puddle. Yes a mud puddle.

Trojans: Sounds legit.

Laccoon (a Trojan): Bullshiticus. I didn't trust the Greeks before and I don't trust them now. This horse thing is fishy- not in a literal sense but rather in a figurative one meaning that I think this is exactly the sort of ruse that corn-chowder head Ulysses would think up.
(Lacoon chucks his spear at the horse and suddenly he and his two sons are horrifically devoured by gargantuan snakes that appear from nowhere)

Trojans: That wasn't weird at all. It was not at all strange that the only person to speak out about this horse statue suddenly died an awful death.

Sinon: Nope. Not weird. Snakes devouring people and their children - happens all the time. Hey and - yeah! It is probably because he threw his spear at the horse! He harmed it so he was cursed...scary amirite?

Trojans: Oh gods! You are right. Let's get this statue in here pronto.

Thusly were the Trojans unfortunately vanquished.

*PS and also:
This story is a slightly bowdlerized chunk from Virgil's Aeneid. If you haven't read the Aeneid you are missing out on all kinds of great stuff like a bleeding tree.
 In other news- my copy of the Aeneid is in shambles and drowning in post-its. I am pretty sure I got it from the up for grabs in the first place and it is in about three pieces.

(1) Photo Credit: Mary Harrsch  Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
(2) Photo Credit: Dan Diffendale Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)