Sunday, January 13, 2013

Tardy New Year's Resolutions

I shall begin by inquiring throughout the land as to what my New Year’s resolutions must needs be.

Yes, these resolutions are a little late precisely thirteen days after New Years but this gives me time to ask other people what their resolutions are and pilfer them should they prove to be interesting.
a) “ I am going to be a responsible person and go to the bank sometimes”

…Nope. No way. I hate the bank. All the people sit behind the indestructible glass, overdressed in their suave business clothes. They look at you hungrily like they can see a hologram of your ginormous student loan floating over your head, and they think to themselves, “hate us with all of your might young slave, but our company still owns your soul.” And out loud they ask you, “Would you like to talk to one of our representatives about a mortgage?”

b) “I am going to wear clown shoes everywhere I go.”
 Yup. Down.

Also one could hand out their address to local community members to see if anyone else has New Year’s Resolutions for you. Let’s see if anyone responded to my requests for critique.

  1. The first letter, from Professor Dinkens:
Dear Liz,  please stop writing joke answers to test questions. You are going to fail and you are never going to get on the front page of Imgur or Reddit.

  1. The second letter, from Whei-Foo (Asian owner of local doughnut store):
Please stop pretending that you are Gollum and your doughnut is the one ring. I have received numerous complaints from other customers that you whisper, “my precious” repeatedly. These valued clients also complain that you are, and I quote: “more scary than 99% of homeless people despite your vaguely hygienic appearance”. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, but also a hairs breadth away from being an obsessive compulsive serial killer. Stop creeping people out. Also catching “the one doughnut” in pretend slow motion on your finger was not even interesting once and has really lost its charm after the 27th time. (Aside: this is a good New Year’s resolution for subsequent Hobbit movies as well)

  1. The third letter, from The Collective Student Body of Thomas Aquinas College:
Dear Abnormally Tall Non-Catholic Person: Please stop sitting on the center of the lunch tables in the cafeteria. You cannot have a whole table to yourself, even if it is the best way possible to deter other students from joining you. The policy of this college is to force losers like you to meet other people through the “be social or starve” program. Your circumlocution of our attempt to create a better community is infuriating.   

Seeing as suggestions from other people have not been helpful, I am going to ignore them.  

New Year’s Resolutions: The Final Final Draft
 (because final drafts are never final until you die)

1.       By next year be so skinny that you are easily mistaken for Jack Skellington.
Difficulty level: Nigh impossible.
Revised according to realistic expectations to the following: By next year I will be able to touch my toes.
Plan of action:
Regular stretching or yoga is not an option since I am too lazy to do either.
I Therefore resolve to shave my legs in the shower instead of in the bathroom sink, in order to avoid growing ankle muffs of hair I will have to stretch enough to reach close-ish to my toes.  

2.      To promote Seize the Absurd like an internet junkie
Difficulty level: fortunately for me, I am already addicted to the internet so spending time on it is not the problem…however, spending an eternity on Imgur is not actually getting more people to read my blog.

Plan of action: write an inspiring note on the back of my notebook

The sharpie might have gone to my head.

3.      To stop wielding jokes like a double edge-ed sword:
         Jokes as an offensive strategy.

           *The Fine Print: Please, please like me. I swear I am confident and not an introvert who would love               to be standing in the corner talking to the wall. 

          Jokes as a defensive strategy:

          *The Fine Print: defensive jokes are capable of deflecting candid conversations and simultaneously   constructing porcelain friendships in one go. 

         4. I am going to wear clown shoes everywhere I go.


  1. Your woodgrain desktop is giving me PTSD flashbacks.

    1. my wood grain desktop gives me Current Traumatic Stress Syndrome, one semester of college to go...must make it...out...

  2. Jukes(as in jukebox)January 13, 2013 at 7:32 PM

    I laughed so hard at your comments but I have to say when it comes to the lord of the rings and doughnuts(a.p->alternate pronuciation...doffnuts)there is only one kind to rule them all....THE WHITE POWDERY DOUGHNUTS!! 'nuff said!

    1. One ring to rule them all and in the powdered sugar bind them.

  3. I find that my ability to touch my toes has really improved by doing mini yoga exercises.
    And by "mini yoga exercises" I mean "dropping my keys on the floor, cursing loudly, and then bending down to get them while making old man noises", but that doesn't roll off the tongue as easily.

    1. Every time I complain, someone suggests that I actually take up if that was a possibility.
      other mini yoga exercises: rolling my eyes.