Sunday, January 6, 2013

4 Terrifying Criminals With Bad Hair Cuts.

1.  James Holmes 
Criminal activities: that one guy that shot up a theater in Colorado

Evidence:  a) Terrible hair. Should his hair stylist also be prosecuted?
                b) Crazy. You ruined movie theaters for everybody. You suck.
                c) True story.

2. Anton Freaking Chigurh from No Country for Old Men.
Criminal activities: uncountable 

Rules of the story: if you see this man, you will die. 

 "Welcome to platform cuss and three quarters, this is the end of the line for you."

Evidence: a) Has an atrocious hair cut. 

For your trivial knowledge collection, IMDB says: 
"Joel Coen and Ethan Coen used a photo of a brothel patron taken in 1979 as a model for Anton Chigurh's hairstyle. When he saw his new haircut Javier Bardem said 'Oh no, now I won't get laid for the next two months.' The Coens responded by happily high-fiveing; Bardem's response meant Chigurh would look as creepy as they had hoped" 
                b) Is as scary as hell
                c) Not part of a true story, but I still expect him to show up and kill me. 

I am pretty sure the Netflix description for No Country for Old Men should go like this, "A man with a bad hair cut runs around killing people in a relentless and completely unstoppable fashion". He is such a creeper that you can feel his presence frames before he appears. 
        I watched No Country for Old Men by myself. I was working at school over the summer and I was the only person living in a deathly silent empty dorm. Eyes wide I stared into the darkened laundry room and contemplated the possibility of my corpse whirling around, set on tumble dry low.

A last ditch attempt to avoid imminent death should I ever see this man:
I flip a coin first?
... hoping that I have good luck and he is as attached to his rules as Javert. 

3. Guy Fieri
Criminal Activities: being annoying

    a) bad hair- it is rumoured that Fieri's hair is an anachronism stolen from the backstreet boys and brought  to the present via time travel
    b) Crazy
    c) has not yet killed anyone that we know of.
Guy, "try this meat it's great, tastes like albatross!"

4. Me, Liz Rosema:  television addict, cartoonist,writer
Criminal activities: Loiters in Walmart and Shopping Malls, improving her self-esteem by idiot watching.

That is a flattering picture.

 I look like an orange Alfalfa.

Evidence: a) Bad hair
                b) Crazy
                c) I am not a killer. I swear on my poncho which I love with my whole heart.

In an unfortunate accident previously described, ( I celebrated my birthday by starting an explosion near my face. As a result I ended up with the fashionable look popular in war zones: chemistry experiment gone very wrong. The front of my hair has spent several months growing back slowly. As it does my "likely to be a creeper factor" shot up to the exosphere where it is hanging out with the satellites.
I feel like I should wear a shaming sign that says, "I attempted to cut my hair by means of fireball". Conclusion: It appears that my barber shop chain named Hair Cut By Fire will not be met by financial success, or safety regulations.

P.S. To all two of my dedicated readers: I am returning to my academic insane asylum and my Sunday posting schedule.


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