Tolstoy, Newton and I

Some Riddles:

Tom. Marvolo. Merope. (hahaha! Said nobody. Cuss. I try so hard.)

How many Newtons does it take to solve thousands of years of astronomical quandary? One.

How many steps can Newton skip? All of them, he is a cussing genius remember. This is especially evident in that end bit of the Principa,

NEWTON: “so universal gravitation is the case...and therefore God exists”

ME: “I didn't see the steps there Sir. Fartface.”

NEWTON: “you didn't see the steps earlier when I compounded that ratio, doubled one side, used ex aequali, and then seperando...But I am not going to write out mundane steps like that because I want to separate the math boys from the math men (and the math homies like Kepler and Copernicus).

Not to mention rival math gangs like Leibniz n' crew.

You are clearly of the level “math juvenile delinquents” son.

ME: No. Uhhhhhhh. Newton...I am a girl.

NEWTON: Impossible. 1. You don't look like a girl. 2. Girls don't study In school silly.

ME: well actually.....INTERRUPTING TOLSOTY!!!!!!!!

Leo Suckup TOLSTOY: oh my gosh, Sir. Newton I have read your work and it is amazing, it is just so great! and your hair is fantastic! did I mention that I read your work? Or also that I have read your work?

(You might be saying to yourself, Liz, this is just too far fetched, read him' and weep.)

ME: How come you don't love me Tolstoy? Why do you love Newton? My sworn enemy/hated nincompoop of all time? 

TOLSTOY: who are you?

NEWTON: She's nobody. Here you go.

TOLSTOY: I love you! Are we friends?

NEWTON: Um, not really.

ME: Tolstoy! YOU INSUFFERABLE TRAITOR!

TOLSTOY: Traitor to you? Wait what great book are you the author of again? 

ME: (weeping)