Sir Isaac Fartface Newton

 Confessions of a closet idiot...(or not-so-closet, approaching painfully obvious idiot)

1. I almost always type "a lot" as one word- I know! I know! I know the freaking rule, but I do it anyway. Then I hide in a corner and cry about not being a genius. Damn you Newton.
2. There is not a second example because I am quite busy having an imaginary conversation with Newton.

NEWTON: Good day! I am Sir Isaac Fartface Newton and I discovered gravity when I was in my 20th year of existence.

While I was discovering gravity I also invented calculus. 

Anyway (addresses me), creature of Neanderthal-esque intelligence, What have you done with your pathetic existence?

Me crying. Weepity- weep. As I think of my current situation as a breakfast cook, destined for the soul-suckingly mundane.

However, I made a journey to the omniscient oracle of Google to find out when Newton actually put forth an explanation of gravity (the Principa did not come out until he was 44 – so there).

In lurking around the internet I discovered this gem:

HA! I feel a surge of power! My will to live returns!

Discussion the second:

In which I regain courage and go on the offensive:

LIZ: Eat that cuss!

      I bet you thought : In a couple centuries I will be remembered as one of the greatest scientists who ever            lived. My contributions to science and mathematics will be recognized by everyone and their mom as truly phenomenal.

       You said to yourself: Scoff* that idiot Galileo who said an infinitely sided polygon was the same as a circle. Double Scoff* That idiot Galileo who said that projectiles fell to earth as a parabola...HA! It was an ellipse! Well, Mr. Hotshot now the world loves Galileo because he is seen as a great example of how Christians are stupid.

And you might be remembered by smart people somewhere!

BUT by most people you will be remembered as:

“that guy who had an apple fall on his head ”

(sarcastic mocking)

Apparently, you were the first person to notice that stuff falls down and then you said to yourself "gravity!" Yay science. (In a very related note: It is not this easy. There is not an apple to be found in the Principa, and gravity is a confusing concept.)

NEWTONS's Rebuttal:

and what will the world remember you as Liz?

...cricket: “chirp- chirp” hahahahahahahaha!

LIZ: Cuss.

Quick-response by me:

also you had fabulous hair and never married anyone...gay-dar going up!

Not that being gay is offensive, I am just saying.

You were not straight.

and even more FAB-U-LOUS!

see these beautiful waves?

NEWTON: Gah! Don't tell my mother!

Having now accomplished an entire post consisting of jokes about Newton I would like to award myself the: “intellectual-snobbery-snot-turd-award”

Also this biographical info from trusty Wikipedia, "motivated partly by a desire for revenge against a schoolyard bully, he became the top ranked student." Another great scientist brought to you by the letter R for revenge, and the slogan "I did this to show that I was better then everyone else. I was successful."