Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Candy: A Sociological Examination of Skittles

Chapter 22: In which I discuss the virtues of the several different types of candy.

Skittles: "taste the rainbow?"
 Me : "Yum water-vapor!".
 The taste of water vapor is slightly more exciting then the taste of oxygen, but less exciting then the taste of gym socks.

However, Skittles and Starburst both possess the following very important virtue:
different colors actually have different flavors.
Scientists are still attempting to discover why it is annoying when there are different colors of candy that do not in fact taste different from one another. One theory is that the existence of these candies provide essential relationship cues, helping the human race to recognize the total cusses in their midst.
For example:

  1.  If you are in a relationship with someone who does not eat certain colors of Skittles or Starburst: They  might be a little picky. They may give embarrassingly complicated requests at restaurants, or ask for McDonald's french fries at the Taco Bell drive through.
  2.  If you are in a relationship with someone who does not eat a certain color of  M&M's: They are crazy. All M&Ms taste the same. Don't invite this friend over to your house it will be on par with inviting orthodox Jews to a bacon poetry gathering. 
  3. If you are in a relationship with someone who only eats one color of M&M's : RUN do not walk the cuss out of there. In the mean time do us all a favor and confiscate weapons or explosive devices which you come across on your way out.    

In conclusion: though it is annoying that candies with many colors have the same flavor, they provide essential social cues and defend us from would be psychopaths.

4.  If someone admits that they are absurdly picky you can downgrade them to "weirdo" and give them my phone number because we would probably make good friends.

P.P.S. New comic superhero "Rainbow Ryan" takes a bite out of crime by barfing rainbows at them through his mouth.

Also 22nd post...and I am 22 years old, which makes this my "birth-day-post-sorta" so you may all celebrate by sharing my website with your friends.