Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Candy: A Sociological Examination of Skittles

Chapter 22: In which I discuss the virtues of the several different types of candy.


Skittles: "taste the rainbow?"
 Me : "Yum water-vapor!".
 The taste of water vapor is slightly more exciting then the taste of oxygen, but less exciting then the taste of gym socks.



However, Skittles and Starburst both possess the following very important virtue:
different colors actually have different flavors.
Scientists are still attempting to discover why it is annoying when there are different colors of candy that do not in fact taste different from one another. One theory is that the existence of these candies provide essential relationship cues, helping the human race to recognize the total cusses in their midst.
For example:

  1.  If you are in a relationship with someone who does not eat certain colors of Skittles or Starburst: They  might be a little picky. They may give embarrassingly complicated requests at restaurants, or ask for McDonald's french fries at the Taco Bell drive through.
  2.  If you are in a relationship with someone who does not eat a certain color of  M&M's: They are crazy. All M&Ms taste the same. Don't invite this friend over to your house it will be on par with inviting orthodox Jews to a bacon poetry gathering. 
  3. If you are in a relationship with someone who only eats one color of M&M's : RUN do not walk the cuss out of there. In the mean time do us all a favor and confiscate weapons or explosive devices which you come across on your way out.    

In conclusion: though it is annoying that candies with many colors have the same flavor, they provide essential social cues and defend us from would be psychopaths.

P.S.
4.  If someone admits that they are absurdly picky you can downgrade them to "weirdo" and give them my phone number because we would probably make good friends.

P.P.S. New comic superhero "Rainbow Ryan" takes a bite out of crime by barfing rainbows at them through his mouth.



Also 22nd post...and I am 22 years old, which makes this my "birth-day-post-sorta" so you may all celebrate by sharing my website with your friends.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Oreos and Chick-fil-a




Oreos and Chick-fil-a : a musical about the corporate businiess world's opinions regarding gay marriage and how I don't give a cuss about them.

I lied.
This is not a musical, but you are welcome to sing it if you so wish (and if it dost not offend the ears of those around you).


SHUT UP! You are a cookie!
SHUT UP! You are a chicken sandwich!





What is this a business or an advice column?
Cusses at Chick-fil-a JUST MAKE SANDWICHES!
ELVES! (For, it is undoubtedly a fact that elves make cookies. Specifically, I believe that the elves that make Oreos are of African American descent. They also attended Harvard and do not like Tyler Perry). Oh yes shouting... back to shouting.
ELVES! We will cut your healthcare benefits!

YOU ARE FOOD!
Soon every freaking restaurant in the nation will have to decide whether or not they support gay rights. Then we will be in the car on a Friday night just wanting to pick a restaurant to eat at and....
        ME: “what about Chili’s?”
        LIBERAL FRIENDS: “ Sorry we can't go there, they don't support gay marriage”
        ME: “What about Chipotle?”
        CONSERVATIVE FRIENDS: “Sorry we can't eat there, they support gay marriage”
        ME: “Where the cuss are we going to eat then? Remember food? We are going to cussing starve.”

Soon we will all be eating at: “Switzerland: the only restaurant not to have taken sides in the gay marriage debate.”
The epidemic will spread to every kind of retail. We won't be able to see someone without instantaneously deducing their opinion on politics from the kind of shoes that they're wearing.
Or even worse, we will end up with idea-segregated-society. Separate restaurants and grocery stores for those of differing opinions. This is my favorite recipe for becoming world class idiots.
(Oh wait are we from America? What was that? We are already considered world class idiots? Super good, reputation in the bag.)

I get enough of this crap from tv as it is. I don't want it from my food.
I am going move into a mine, and come back in a couple thousand years as Gollum...my own my precious the one ring!
Dunkin' Doughnuts Employee: “That is a doughnut with sprinkles....sir...mam....object?”
ME: “My own... my precisoussss....”
(doubt not, young Skywalker, that Dunkin' Doughnuts will exist in a thousand years)

Take a stand, against taking a stand.
Because food is food, and I freaking want to eat it.

In an slightly related and in-fact political note:
Sarah Palin, I never want to see your ugly mug again,

unless you are Tina Fey


(much improved)

Tina, please tell me this has all been a big joke.
       You have really been “Sarah Palin” the whole time.
       You just wanted to see how stupid elected officials could be.
       Then you did impersonations of yourself on SNL, for fun times.
       Tell me that toddlers and tiaras parents don't become governors.
And above all,
Please tell me Palin doesn't exist, because she is scary looking.

Stand re-iterated, "The rest of you shut up. This is my opinion."

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Gauntlet of Celebrity Gossip

        During school it's a chance to get away from the college campus. It doesn't matter how beautiful it is, at some point you get really tired of seeing it.
        One should never pass up and opportunity to dance to the grocery store music. Especially if you can balance a milk jug on your head. 

All great but then comes time to checkout. This involves paying money. Which I hate.
Even more atrocious is being bombarded by various magazines which surround the checkout line.
I call this the gauntlet of celebrity gossip.
All the stars come out of the magazines and start yelling stuff at you in all caps.
TOO FAT: In a fit of anger a celebrity suffocated a paparazzi member with a camera strap. After he took an unflattering picture of her "summer look". His family was asked to comment they said, "he was clearly a loser."

Tom and Katie are splits-ville: 5 gazillion photos of them to follow immediately.
Which reminds me


All of this reminds me that I like Time and National Geographic. I should probably stop complaining about Time, even though they included Kant and Newton in the "100 most influential people" ...geniuses who taunt me even from the grave.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I bring books everywhere.


Here I am reading a book amidst this celebration. See my dark cloud of anti-social darkness, also known as "Liz's defense from having to speak to idiots program".
As you can see I am the life of the party.
Everyone is like:
 "who is that?"
 "does anyone know her name"
and also "where? who are you talking about? Oh wait now I see her, she was blending in with the wallpaper."

Popularity is my middle name.

In an unrelated vein of thought, I do not like party hats because they look like dunce caps.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sir Isaac Fartface Newton


 Confessions of a closet idiot...(or not-so-closet, approaching painfully obvious idiot)
  1. I almost always type "a lot" as one word- I know! I know! I know the freaking rule, but I do it anyway. Then I hide in a corner and cry about not being a genius. Damn you Newton.
  2. There is not a second example because I am quite busy having an imaginary conversation with Newton.

NEWTON: Good day! I am Sir Isaac Fartface Newton and I discovered gravity when I was in my 20th year of existence.
While I was discovering gravity I also invented calculus. 
Anyway (addresses me), creature of Neanderthal-esque intelligence, What have you done with your pathetic existence?

Me crying. Weepity- weep. As I think of my current situation as a breakfast cook, destined for the soul-suckingly mundane.

However, I made a journey to the omniscient oracle of Google to find out when Newton actually put forth an explanation of gravity (the Principa did not come out until he was 44 – so there).
In lurking around the internet I discovered this gem:


HA! I feel a surge of power! My will to live returns!


Discussion the second:
In which I regain courage and go on the offensive:
LIZ: Eat that cuss!
      I bet you thought : In a couple centuries I will be remembered as one of the greatest scientists who ever            lived. My contributions to science and mathematics will be recognized by everyone and their mom as truly phenomenal.
       You said to yourself: Scoff* that idiot Galileo who said an infinitely sided polygon was the same as a circle. Double Scoff* That idiot Galileo who said that projectiles fell to earth as a parabola...HA! It was an ellipse! Well, Mr. Hotshot now the world loves Galileo because he is seen as a great example of how Christians are stupid.
And you might be remembered by smart people somewhere!

BUT by most people you will be remembered as:
“that guy who had an apple fall on his head ”
(sarcastic mocking)
Apparently, you were the first person to notice that stuff falls down and then you said to yourself "gravity!" Yay science. (In a very related note: It is not this easy. There is not an apple to be found in the Principa, and gravity is a confusing concept.)

NEWTONS's Rebuttal:
and what will the world remember you as Liz?
...cricket: “chirp- chirp” hahahahahahahaha!

LIZ: Cuss.
Quick-response by me:
also you had fabulous hair and never married anyone...gay-dar going up!
Not that being gay is offensive, I am just saying.
You were not straight.


and even more FAB-U-LOUS!


see these beautiful waves?

NEWTON: Gah! Don't tell my mother!

Having now accomplished an entire post consisting of jokes about Newton I would like to award myself the: “intellectual-snobbery-snot-turd-award”

Also this biographical info from trusty Wikipedia, "motivated partly by a desire for revenge against a schoolyard bully, he became the top ranked student." Another great scientist brought to you by the letter R for revenge, and the slogan "I did this to show that I was better then everyone else. I was successful."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Being sick is not cool.

Hide your buckets, vases and goldfish bowls because I am probably going to throw up in them.

  
Actually I am no longer sick but I was recently very ill and had occasion to remember all of the things that I hate about being sick. 
Super sick. 
After I threw up the first time I said to myself, "that sucked but now I feel better, maybe I will never throw up again in my entire life."
Nope. Incorrect. I proceeded to throw up another seven times.

Warning: if you are speaking to the toilet you are not well.
Further Warning: if the toilet is speaking to you, you are very very unwell.
 We also were not at home but in a strange land so we had to stop at a terribly ugly hotel so that I could cease talking to inanimate objects. 
           Cheap Hotels are a dismal place, the strangely geometric pattern on the carpet spun like a kaleidoscope. The blue, pink, purple paintings which I suppose are "calming" or something mocked art from the walls. I lay comatose on my motel bed, wishing that the saltines would be quiet so that I could fall asleep.


And they said unto me:


A further piece of advice:


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Spanx, Shopping, and Lego Castles

Recently I traveled up to Oregon to attend a wedding. At weddings one usually wears dresses. I don't wear dresses, or girly stuff. Thus, I was blissfully unaware of the various things which one wears with dresses, like spanx.
Spanx are spandex shorts which attempt to squeeze all your fat into more attractive bulges. As expected this fails, and one ends up feeling like a whale in a corset.



I had to buy a ton of other crap too and I was reminded that I hate shopping.
My mom says that I don't shop...I hunt.



which is in my head looks like Mission Impossible style shopping


More like:


Bratz dolls are the worst...wait no, Furby that was the worst.
and also this:


sniff* glorious Lego Hogwarts how I wish you are not a hundred dollars.
Also now that I thought this up I am really pretty tempted to sneak Into a target and see how much of it I can build before they drag me off.

Monday, July 23, 2012

So-Cal and No-Cal

I was thinking about this distinction as we traveled from Southern California up through Northern California to Oregon. They are a different species, of more normal people who are tired of having their water stolen by LA. Don't worry though we are vaguely punished for it by having to watch documentaries about how LA is mean and bad and steals water from everybody else. I swear I have seen that documentary at least three times.

Also (in an unrelated note) on the freeway I saw a tourist-bus-sized, shiny RV on the back it said "roughing it"...not so much.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Oregon vs. California

In my travels I have noted several differences between Oregon and California.
  1. There is green stuff in Oregon.
  2. There is green stuff in Oregon.
When we went up to Portland I had many strange and wonderful experiences.
A. The fact that appears to be mostly green is very confusing.
To begin with most of the city appeared to have trees and other vegetation. Which is very confusing as a person from LA because I usually use quality and frequency of greenery to judge whether or not I am in a safe area.
Example:
  1. Beverly hills is very green. They have trees growing in the middle of the houses that they rent from Jewish people.
  2. The area around USC and the science center is shady as cuss, but not because they have trees. There are no trees, and one can feel their likelyhood-of-being-shot-o'-meter rising like a spaceship lifting off.
But all of Portland looked pretty green. How am I supposed to tell if we are in a bad part of town?

I expressed my sense of discombobulation, to my brother who promptly reminded me of another especially sketch area of LA....Hollywood.
Hollywood is a trash bin.
Sunset strip is ridiculously dirty, the whole thing needs to be power hosed.
Californians wear sandals everywhere...everywhere...but not on Sunset boulevard because that sidewalk looks like it is more disease ridden then the floor of a port-a-potty. Also hide your children, because the only things that they sell there is tourist crap, tattoos, and lingerie. The rest of the world is fascinated by it though, if you say you are from LA you will without fail be asked about Hollywood. So let's settle this forever.
Do you love Hollywood? Is it cool?
No, we don't go there, there is pretty much nothing cool there, it is disease ridden, and it is full of little stars which remind us that we live in LA but have still not managed to become famous.

B. That said I would like to mention that in Portland somebody let me over on the freeway. I was about to miss my exit onto some other freeway and I really absolutely desperately needed to get over and somebody just slowed down and let me in...which resulted in me yelling “WHERE THE CUSS ARE WE”.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Road Trip

No trippin', we road trippin.
My, what fantastically bad English I have acquired over the course of my travels!
I have recently taken a journey up to the the state known as Oregon to attend my friends wedding. Since you all are very interested in my mundane daily activities, I have taken it upon myself to draw up a map of the area. I am sure that the scientific community will express interest in my discovery of a strange species I have dubbed "people who live in Portland". 
I also made many fascinating cultural observations about the rural peoples of Oregon, which will be of interests to anthropologists throughout our glorious land.
May my writings be absolutely nothing like that of my historical fathers, Herodotus or Alexis de Tocqueville.

Watch out for the obligatory Sea Serpent. He is required on all adventurous old-timey maps.

Also it is possible that if you click on this last picture it will be all in one piece and not have an annoying bar in it.

See the pictures better

If you click on the pictures you can see them in all of their artistic glory.
Every beautiful brush stroke, every cheap mechanical pencil line that I forgot to erase.
Or maybe everyone knew this already but me.
Actually that is pretty likely.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Stumble Upon May Increase Technological ADD

Update:
An epidemic known as Technological ADD is sweeping the nation.
 I have noticed that I have an extreme amount of difficulty which the following tasks: 

1. listening to an entire song, without hitting next.
 My Brother was completely incapable of listening to a whole song, I suggest we rehabilitate him by refusing to let him be the car DJ.

2. Watching an entire TV show without changing the channel...this includes but is not limited to: attempting to watch two TV shows at the same time by switching back and forth during commercial breaks. I have some news for you about this, you cannot do it.
Stop.
On the other hand an invention that helped you switch back to the previous channel just in time would be worth the 5 dollars and 50 cents which I currently have in my bank account.

3. Watching a whole movie on Netflix...if I can choose a movie in the first place, then I might manage to watch about half of it.

4. remaining on any website for longer than 5 seconds... does your website have words? I am too lazy to read your words. People are probably too lazy to read my words, so now I can say whatever I want. Cotton candy Unicorns say, "how fluffy and delicious we are". THAT is what I wanted to say?!? holy cuss.
the greatest perpetrator of Internet ADD is probably http://www.stumbleupon.com ...prepare yourself for Olympic ADD level awesomeness.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Harry Potter...Hairy Potty


This dead Roman can now have a great time wondering who will get in a fight next.
Will it be?
Ron and Hermione
Harry and Ron
Hermione and Harry (almost never)
...I feel sometimes like in the middle of the book when nothing is going down, Rowling would just spin the wheel of teenage-wizard drama and write about whatever it landed on until there was some more substantial plot drama at Christmas.
AND now introducing a similar story... HAIRY POTTY  in which several courageous janitors battle a slimy hair growing toilet


Destined to find a place on the lowest-sellers list along with "How to be Poor" by Paris Hilton, the new novel "hairy potty" has recently won a "peoples-choice-to-avoid" award.



Hairy Potty he is the frickin chosen one, got it?

Monday, July 9, 2012

What the blue is going on?

I have taken a long and different journey to a place where there is no sales tax and people run up and pump gas for you at gas stations. Thus I am many miles away from my beloved scanner/printer (known to many as Faxy Foxy Freddie). As a result for the next two weeks cartoons will look even more crappy...I mean "homemade".
Picture quality decrease to ensue! If you bear with our technical difficulties we will do our utmost to remain marginally funny.

For the Love of the Internet





Some people consider it hard times when their arm is stuck under a boulder, others like me, consider it hard times when they are without their first love, the internet.
What am I supposed to do without it?
What happens if I don't see a picture of a cat every 10 seconds?
What if some youtube video goes viral and I miss it? How would I predict who will be on Ellen next without viral videos?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Diploma Envy



SURGEONS GENERAL WARNING: 
Early in May in colleges throughout the land there is an epidemic of jealousy caused by people graduating.
      Juniors are especially prone to Diploma Envy, this disease is also sometimes called Diplo-mania, by experts in the Senior-itis field.
         Having barely survived Junior year, these Juniors glare menacingly at the Seniors who are free as the cussing wind blows. One Junior is confined to a wheelchair kept alive by a Coffee IV drip, without which he would perish immediately.
         This is the way that it goes down at my school, which is admittedly one of the weirdest places ever (http://thomasaquinas.edu/home). 
  • Freshman year- nerds study excessively, party people party themselves out of school
  • Sophomore year- the nerds discover parties, the party people remain in school by studying with nerds during finals
  • Junior year- Everyone is grouchy. Everyone parties harder than ever (at my school this is in an attempt to forget that Kant exists. Speaking of which, I am gearing up for a series of angry cartoons that I wrote while we were reading Kant's Critique of Pure Reason).
  • Senior year- Nobody reads anything. Everybody spends all of their time complaining about reading.
This post is a result of my not-very-well-hidden-resentment towards this years seniors who I love...but not when they get to leave and I don't. Sounds like prison huh?

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Comments!

 One of my goals is for people that I do not actually know to start looking at this blog, so far all of the traffic that I have gotten is from facebook. Which is great, but apparently the more comments that people leave the more likely it is for outside viewers to see it.
So if you like something, please leave a comment.
If you don't like something, please leave a comment.
If you want to have a conversation about the coolest looking aliens, great!
If you want to have a conversation about how I am not anywhere close to far enough in War and Peace...which I am supposed to be reading for school...not great!

Did you know that George Orwell is also a pseudonym?

What do you think about these last couple of comics?

Independence Day

Yes it is July 4th.
 Government is weird.
 Everyone keeps asking candidates things like: "how are you going to fix the economy?"
 NOBODY is asking, "what the cuss is your plan to keep us from being taken over by the Chinese?" This is a very important social issue to me for the following reasons:



1. I cannot use chopsticks.
    Thus it follows that in the United States of China I would starve. 
    I have made some vague half-hearted hipster attempts using chopsticks in order to be "ethnic" which have all ended in me yelling " where are the cussing forks?"

2. People should be able to have as many children as they want. I support the right right of slightly-competent adults to leave as many obnoxious little versions of themselves as they want.

3. Freedom.
 The freedom to look at pictures of cupcakes and jello shots all day on Pintrest.
 The freedom to be religious.
 The freedom by which the ACLU sues the religious.
 The freedom to be from New Jersey. Which has produced a host of annoying people like that cake  boss guy.
    Lastly and most importantly in this beautiful country of ours we should be thankful for a freedom that we all exercise regularly...
the freedom to be idiots.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Jesus the Margarita


HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MARGARITA?
 He answers to: Jesús the margarita
if YES: búeno because Jesús saves!
if NO: WARNING! you are probably in danger of attending class sober.